Can A Married Man Ever Fall In Love With His Mistress?

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two business people having a romantic affair at the officeThis blog is a request that by a friend of mine. I decided to do it because I think it raises an interesting question that many women face.

If a women is having an affair with a married man, is there ever a time in which it can be more than an affair and turn into love?

To answer this question I think we must define love. The definition of love can be very subjective depending on what you consider love to be. Since I am writing this, I am going to tell you my definition of love.  I feel when you truly love someone, then it is really one of those most unselfish things you can do.  So when a married man has an affair with a woman, even if he “loves” her; is that love really?

The man goes homes to his wife and his kids and what does the woman go home to….herself. She is being faithful to a man that cannot be faithful her because he has a wife.  When the woman has a hard day at work she cannot call the man because he may be with his family.  The man is literally getting all of his needs met and the woman is waiting around getting the short end of the stick.  Now is it really love for a man to live his life with his wife and children but the woman is stuck in a situation in which she can never really enjoy the man that she loves?  Because half of him belongs to someone else.

If I am confusing you let me put it this way. If I ask a battered housewife, why she stays with a husband that beats her.  She may say because I love him and he loves me.  But how can a man who hurts you love you?  I know that what he says, but is that what he is showing you?

43958508_lThe same thing for affairs, a true act of love would be for him to let the woman go and allow her to live a life. The only way a married man can truly be with a woman he is having an affair with, is if he divorces his wife.  And why would you ever want a man that is willing to leave his wife and kids for you.  I am saffiarpinure at one point he loved his wife, now he is saying that he loves you, and when he marries you; he may fall in love with someone else.  Starting the cycle all over again.

So to answer the above question as I see it. No, I do not think an affair can really turn into real love.  Two people may love each other; but love is beyond the feel good emotions that we feel for the other person.  It is about wanting the best for them, wanting to provide for them, and wanting them to be happy in their lives.  And an affair is not that.  An affair is a lot of sneaking around, the other woman being jealous of the wife, the wife being suspicious about what is going on, and the husband going back and forth between them.  And that is not love.

Love is more than that. For example, if a married man dies, the money, house, cars, and life insurance will go to the wife.  If he had debts the wife will be responsible for paying them.  What does the other woman get?  She does not benefits from the life insurance policy.  She does not have to worry about how the house is going to get paid off or making funeral arrangements.  The wife does.

The point that I am getting at is that when it comes to love, you have to be there for both the good and the bad. It about fully immersing your life with another person and that is what a wife does.  The other woman may go on vacations with him, dinner, or give him encouragement from time to time.  But she is never fully the wife.  She is not the ones raising the kids, contributing to the household, or dealing with the in-laws.

A married man can say anything that he wants about his wife when he is going to the other woman. But there are two sides to every story and who knows if what he is saying is even true.  If they are going to get a divorce, it would be best for the other woman to allow it to happen on its own and not be the driving force for a man to leave his family.  My saying is that God is NEVER going to give you someone else’s husband.  God values marriage and does not want anyone to commit adultery.  I seriously doubt, he is going to turn over one of his 10 commandments for you to be with someone else’s husband.

About Sophia Reed (318 Articles)
I am a single mother of one, Christian, and Lover of Life. I have a Master's degree in marriage and family therapy, I am a National Certified Counselor, and I am currently a PhD candidate in Human Behavior. I love motivating others and encouraging all women to be beautiful from the inside and out. To get in contact with me, you can email me at sophiareed@sophie-sticatedmom.com

32 Comments on Can A Married Man Ever Fall In Love With His Mistress?

  1. I think it is possible to love more than one person at the same time. I agree that love is unselfish, but not everyone wants the same things out of life or a relationship. You can love someone without wanting to get married or have kids. However, I want to point out that adultery is 100% wrong regardless. Lying and sneaking around is never good. But there are people who practice open marriage. In this case, you may have a spouse who you love, but also a girlfriend or boyfriend whom you also love. If they are happy spending time with you when they can, and aren’t looking to get married and have kids, I see nothing wrong with that and I believe love can exist in both scenarios.

  2. Never understood the whole affair thing. Especially if one is married what exactly are you getting out of this other than sex.

  3. My first marriage ended due to my husband being unfaithful. I’ve never been able to understand either perspective: that of the cheater or that of the mistress. For me, when I’ve been single, married men have always been a turn off! Why would I want to ruin someone else’s relationship?

    • I am sorry that happened to you. I agree I do not want to ruin someone else marriage either. And if a man wants to be with other women then why get married in the first place.

  4. Very good analysis. I think that a man, even if crazily in love, is generally less inclined to make changes in his life. A woman, when in love, tends to unwisely turn her life upside down with no (evident and immediate) effect. Maybe men are wiser with this?

  5. Seriously didn’t know how to respond to this. All I can think is, if he cheated with you, what makes you think he won’t cheat ON YOU?

  6. I hope your friend wasn’t expecting a positive answer because she is in love with a married man! I think you gave a great analysis of the situation. If he truly loves her, he would leave his family. Then again, if he truly loved his wife would he even have a mistress??

  7. Such a complicated thing. I could see a man falling in love with his mistress but the proof of that love is if he man’s up admits his mistake to his wife and does right by the other woman. While right and wrong is black and white I don’t like to generalize in situations like this cause from the outside looking in you may not know the exact specifics behind the marriage or the affair… what if they stayed together for kids or because of illness…etc. I won’t throw stones but I’m not trying to go after a married man.

  8. The concept of love is complicated as there are a different types of love: you love your partner, your parents, kids and certain food etc. However, in answer to your question-I’d say that a man will never fall in love with her mistress. At the same time, if he is cheating on his wife, then he is definitely not in love with her either.

  9. abbigaylew // June 15, 2016 at 10:01 pm // Reply

    This is an interesting read .. I don’t think I can ever understand the unfaithful thing. i just don’t get it …i think yes it’s possible to love two people at the same time .. but you are going to love one more than the other .. I cant see how someone can love two people the exact same amount . AAANNNDDD if they really loved them they would want the best for them , not to hurt them for their own personal gain. Idk . its definitely a terrible situation.

    Abbigayle Warner – Personal Branding Specialist
    Stealstylist.com – Femme Lifestyle Blog 

  10. A husband may love his wife, his kids, his parents but he doesn’t love his affair; he just needs passion (that thing that their own wedding misses out)

  11. I don’t think an affair can turn into something strong. Maybe it’s just me but I think that would leave a complete “what if” in the back of one another’s mind. I think you tackled this subject perfectly!

  12. Interesting read, Sophia. I hope everything is okay with your friend. Glad we got connected through the FB group and look forward to following along with future posts…

  13. I know a few married people who have cheated, been cheated on, and some who married the person they were cheating with. This is an interesting take. good read!

  14. I liked your post its interesting. I personally don’t think you can love 2 people the same way the same time because if you love the 1st one you wouldn’t go looking for someone else. That’s just personal opinion

  15. Adultery is 100% wrong. Don’t commit yourself to a person whether it’s a serious relationship or a marriage if you know you can’t do that: commit.

  16. My stance on affairs is pretty firm – a big no way! – but I appreciate this piece for the angles it explores.

  17. My opinion is that if a man will cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you. That’s why I can’t get behind cheaters and their “relationships”.

    xoxo, SS

    The Southern Stylista

  18. You make some good points here, but I want to share a story with you that’s along the lines of “the exception to the rule proves the rule.” My aunt left my uncle after 15 years of marriage to be with a man she was having an affair with. He was also married, and his wife was the crazy if-you-leave-me-I’ll-kill-myself-and-the-kids type, so he stayed with his wife while my aunt waited. Two weeks after his youngest turned 18, he left his wife for my aunt. We all thought my aunt was bat-sh*t crazy for waiting, but it worked out in the end. Even though all those years he was never 100% with my aunt.

    • This is an interesting story. But I am sure it was alot of heart ache for your aunt for all those years. I do not feel that anyone deserves to go through that. Playing tug of war over a man. But if it is what she wanted then she got the man that she waited for.

  19. Oh, adults are so complicated. 😛
    But this is a thought-provoking post. I’m not married but I know someone who claims he’s in love with his mistress. Eventually though, he got back with his wife.

  20. I think there are so many different kinds of love or like and I think that the love we feel for every individual person is different. You will never feel the same love for a spouse that you would a mistress

  21. hmmm i believe that people can love multiple times in life, i would hope my husband would be honest if he ever felt to stray..

  22. Concerned Citizan // May 21, 2017 at 5:11 pm // Reply

    From a mistresses perspective: I do not think love is defined. We all seek different things from a life partner, so we can’t argue what love is. But we all know true love exists. When you find it, run with it and be prepared for ANY outcome. The person you’re “meant to be” with, may in fact be a married man that you’ve been “having fun” with. Way too often people settle for what they think they are left with, that is the way life turns out for many. Usually ends in divorce. True love doesn’t die, and we would move heaven and earth for the person we are destined to love. If a man is having an affair, that’s his choice, not a mistake. He is not being forced, or held against his will for making that decision. You can not blame a woman for the faults of a mans choices. People like to blame the other woman because they know she is temporary and it’s simply easier to do. Woman are mysterious, yes. But it isn’t their intention to ruin what he has at home. If it is, she can not hold the title of woman, but rather a inconsiderate bitch. We know what we want, and we know how to get it. But we can not close our minds to the fact that some women’s intentions are to find her life partner any way she can. You call that being selfish, I call that being diligent. In conclusion, we all deserve to find the soul that intertwines and blossoms into pure magic.

    • Sophia Reed // May 25, 2017 at 1:40 pm // Reply

      I am a Christian so that is the only perspective I can approach things from. So in my eyes God will not give me someone else’s man. And really I would not want a man with a wife. I want a man of my own that is dedicated to me. Not a man that goes home to his wife after we have spent time together. So while the other woman is fully dedicated to the man, the man is not fully dedicated to her. Because he has a wife that is his dedication. I want a full time man that wants to build a family and a future with me. That can live with me full time. And being the other woman, you are not getting that. If he dies tomorrow are you going to be taken care of? Are you going to get the life insurance? No. His wife is. So a woman can be the other woman if that is what makes them happy. I just know that is not the kind of love I feel I deserve. I do not want to share my man with a wife and his children.

  23. This is a good discussion , years ago i said no to a man i liked so much as he liked me too,but told me he had a wife and kids cause i saw a ring on his figure (you can tell he was unhappily married but didn’t say it). I said no to him even though i was so attracted to him, i said i did not want to be the cause of any problem in his marriage. And he said he respected me for being a woman with morals (everyone thinks i am stupid for saying no to this dentist). but because i liked him i just became his friend who didn’t get sexually involved with him in any way. i told myself being his friend would be OK ,i would still feel close to him,and even if i have no body i was saving a marriage. i also grow up in a dysfunctional home and i know what infidelity can ruin a home . recently ,he told me he filed for divorce as he cheated on his wife ,she found out and did the same (she gave him a test of his own medicine and he was upset ,and decided to let her go) which i find unfair to the woman. sadly i still like this man ,and he still likes me too ,we have never had any sexual contact just been friends as we work together.i try to let go this feeling but it doesn’t go away,i pray about it ,i dont understand why God cloud have me so attracted to a cheater,it doesn’t make sense at all .i have been single and lived a sexless life for nearly all of my life ,had my first relationship when i was 27 ,i was almost a 30 year old virgin. i am not ugly or anything as people complement me all the time lol ,i attract a lot of married men but i cant date them as i am not a home wrecker. its sad cause i dont want any man but him , is this a God given desire or is this lust. Whats happening to me ?

    • Sophia Reed // June 14, 2017 at 7:47 pm // Reply

      The first thing I like to say is that God can never make you be attracted to anyone. He gave you free will and the reason why you are attracted to him is because you are attracted to him. It may be for many reasons. You may be attracted to his appearance, how he treats you, or his personality. Only you can determine why. And I commend you for not messing with a married men despite your attraction. I think it was very good for you not to feed into your flesh. As for this man I cannot tell you what to do but I would tell you what to consider. First, I would wait until this man is fully divorced before trying to date him AND after he is divorced, dating a newly divorced man can be hard. A man who just got out of a marriage is typically not going to want to jump into a new serious relationship or marriage. Plus he has a history of cheating. That does not mean that he will cheat on you, but it also may mean that he will. If he is your close friend as you say and he likes you. I would have an honest conversation with him. I would NOT under any circumstances sleep with him. And let him know you have no intentions of sleeping with him. After he knows that there is no sex, just ask him up front what his intentions for you are. And if he plans to marry again in the future. At the end of the day, if he knows that he is not going to have sex with you (because you told him that) and he still wants a real relationship with you; you can date but only after the divorce is finalized. From there just pay attention to his behavior when dating you. If he has real interest in you his actions will show it. If he sticks around knowing that you are not going to have sex with him, you know he is serious about you. AND you need to observe if he can keep it in his pants and not sleep with other women. If he disappears after to tell him you are not having sex or insist that he must have sex with you or other women and cannot wait. Then you know your answer about why he was really coming on to you.

  24. Maybeimthecheaterlol // July 16, 2017 at 11:30 pm // Reply

    What if you have children together and have been common law for 16+ boring-ass years together? Would God give him to someone else even if I approve?

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