Can A Married Man Love His Mistress? The Answer No One Will Tell You

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Can a married man love his mistress? I did not realize how prevalent this question was until a friend asked me this question, and requesting I write a blog on it. Can A Married Man Love His Mistress? A Biblical Perspective

If a women is having an affair with a married man, is there ever a time in which it can be more than an affair and turn into love?

To answer the question Can A Married Man Love His Mistress?  I think we must define love. The definition of love can be very subjective depending on what you consider love to be. Since I am writing this, I am going to tell you my definition of love.  I feel when you truly love someone, then it is really one of those most unselfish things you can do.  So when a married man has an affair with a woman, even if he “loves” her; is that love really?

The man goes homes to his wife and his kids and what does the woman go home to….herself. She is being faithful to a man that cannot be faithful her because he has a wife.  When the woman has a hard day at work she cannot call the man because he may be with his family.  The man is literally getting all of his needs met and the woman is waiting around getting the short end of the stick.  Now is it really love for a man to live his life with his wife and children but the woman is stuck in a situation in which she can never really enjoy the man that she loves?  Because half of him belongs to someone else.

Can A Married Man Love His Mistress? A Biblical PerspectiveIf I am confusing you let me put it this way. If I ask a battered housewife, why she stays with a husband that beats her.  She may say because I love him and he loves me.  But how can a man who hurts you love you?  I know that what he says, but is that what he is showing you?

The same thing for affairs, a true act of love would be for him to let the woman go and allow her to live a life. The only way a married man can truly be with a woman he is having an affair with, is if he divorces his wife.  And why would you ever want a man that is willing to leave his wife and kids for you.  I am sure at one point he loved his wife, now he is saying that he loves you, and when he marries you; he may fall in love with someone else.  Starting the cycle all over again.Can A Married Man Love His Mistress?

So to answer Can A Married Man Love His Mistress? As I see it. No, I do not think an affair can really turn into real love.  And affair is a work of the flesh (see my blog here for more on works of the flesh). Two people may love each other; but love is beyond the feel good emotions that we feel for the other person.  It is about wanting the best for them, wanting to provide for them, and wanting them to be happy in their lives.  And an affair is not that.  An affair is a lot of sneaking around, the other woman being jealous of the wife, the wife being suspicious about what is going on, and the husband going back and forth between them.  And that is not love.

Love is more than that. A hook up does not equal a relationship (Click here to read my blog on relationship versus hooks up). For example, if a married man dies, the money, house, cars, and life insurance will go to the wife.  If he had debts the wife will be responsible for paying them.  What does the other woman get?  She does not benefits from the life insurance policy.  She does not have to worry about how the house is going to get paid off or making funeral arrangements.  The wife does. There is a difference between being a wife and playing wife (click here to read about a real wife versus a play wife).

The point that I am getting at is that when it comes to love, you have to be there for both the good and the bad. So how can a married man love his mistress, when she is only there for the good and when the mans wants to have a good time.

Real love is about fully immersing your life with another person and that is what a wife does.  The other woman may go on vacations with him, dinner, or give him encouragement from time to time.  But she is never fully the wife.  She is not the ones raising the kids, contributing to the household, or dealing with the in-laws.

If your asking me Can A Married Man Love His Mistress? I will say this, a married man can say anything that he wants about his wife when he is going to the other woman. But there are two sides to every story and who knows if what he is saying is even true.  If they are going to get a divorce, it would be best for the other woman to allow it to happen on its own and not be the driving force for a man to leave his family.  My saying is that God is NEVER going to give you someone else’s husband (click my blog here to read more on this topic).  God values marriage and does not want anyone to commit adultery.  I seriously doubt, he is going to turn over one of his 10 commandments for you to be with someone else’s husband.

Can A Married Man Love His Mistress?


  1. I think it is possible to love more than one person at the same time. I agree that love is unselfish, but not everyone wants the same things out of life or a relationship. You can love someone without wanting to get married or have kids. However, I want to point out that adultery is 100% wrong regardless. Lying and sneaking around is never good. But there are people who practice open marriage. In this case, you may have a spouse who you love, but also a girlfriend or boyfriend whom you also love. If they are happy spending time with you when they can, and aren’t looking to get married and have kids, I see nothing wrong with that and I believe love can exist in both scenarios.

  2. Never understood the whole affair thing. Especially if one is married what exactly are you getting out of this other than sex.

  3. My first marriage ended due to my husband being unfaithful. I’ve never been able to understand either perspective: that of the cheater or that of the mistress. For me, when I’ve been single, married men have always been a turn off! Why would I want to ruin someone else’s relationship?

    • I am sorry that happened to you. I agree I do not want to ruin someone else marriage either. And if a man wants to be with other women then why get married in the first place.

  4. Very good analysis. I think that a man, even if crazily in love, is generally less inclined to make changes in his life. A woman, when in love, tends to unwisely turn her life upside down with no (evident and immediate) effect. Maybe men are wiser with this?

    • Yes. I do agree with what you are saying. I think men tend to stay level headed and women become very emotional causing them to make unwise choices.

  5. Seriously didn’t know how to respond to this. All I can think is, if he cheated with you, what makes you think he won’t cheat ON YOU?

  6. I hope your friend wasn’t expecting a positive answer because she is in love with a married man! I think you gave a great analysis of the situation. If he truly loves her, he would leave his family. Then again, if he truly loved his wife would he even have a mistress??

  7. Such a complicated thing. I could see a man falling in love with his mistress but the proof of that love is if he man’s up admits his mistake to his wife and does right by the other woman. While right and wrong is black and white I don’t like to generalize in situations like this cause from the outside looking in you may not know the exact specifics behind the marriage or the affair… what if they stayed together for kids or because of illness…etc. I won’t throw stones but I’m not trying to go after a married man.

  8. The concept of love is complicated as there are a different types of love: you love your partner, your parents, kids and certain food etc. However, in answer to your question-I’d say that a man will never fall in love with her mistress. At the same time, if he is cheating on his wife, then he is definitely not in love with her either.

  9. This is an interesting read .. I don’t think I can ever understand the unfaithful thing. i just don’t get it …i think yes it’s possible to love two people at the same time .. but you are going to love one more than the other .. I cant see how someone can love two people the exact same amount . AAANNNDDD if they really loved them they would want the best for them , not to hurt them for their own personal gain. Idk . its definitely a terrible situation.

    Abbigayle Warner – Personal Branding Specialist – Femme Lifestyle Blog 

  10. I don’t think an affair can turn into something strong. Maybe it’s just me but I think that would leave a complete “what if” in the back of one another’s mind. I think you tackled this subject perfectly!

  11. Interesting read, Sophia. I hope everything is okay with your friend. Glad we got connected through the FB group and look forward to following along with future posts…

  12. I liked your post its interesting. I personally don’t think you can love 2 people the same way the same time because if you love the 1st one you wouldn’t go looking for someone else. That’s just personal opinion

  13. You make some good points here, but I want to share a story with you that’s along the lines of “the exception to the rule proves the rule.” My aunt left my uncle after 15 years of marriage to be with a man she was having an affair with. He was also married, and his wife was the crazy if-you-leave-me-I’ll-kill-myself-and-the-kids type, so he stayed with his wife while my aunt waited. Two weeks after his youngest turned 18, he left his wife for my aunt. We all thought my aunt was bat-sh*t crazy for waiting, but it worked out in the end. Even though all those years he was never 100% with my aunt.

    • This is an interesting story. But I am sure it was alot of heart ache for your aunt for all those years. I do not feel that anyone deserves to go through that. Playing tug of war over a man. But if it is what she wanted then she got the man that she waited for.

  14. Oh, adults are so complicated. 😛
    But this is a thought-provoking post. I’m not married but I know someone who claims he’s in love with his mistress. Eventually though, he got back with his wife.

  15. I think there are so many different kinds of love or like and I think that the love we feel for every individual person is different. You will never feel the same love for a spouse that you would a mistress

  16. From a mistresses perspective: I do not think love is defined. We all seek different things from a life partner, so we can’t argue what love is. But we all know true love exists. When you find it, run with it and be prepared for ANY outcome. The person you’re “meant to be” with, may in fact be a married man that you’ve been “having fun” with. Way too often people settle for what they think they are left with, that is the way life turns out for many. Usually ends in divorce. True love doesn’t die, and we would move heaven and earth for the person we are destined to love. If a man is having an affair, that’s his choice, not a mistake. He is not being forced, or held against his will for making that decision. You can not blame a woman for the faults of a mans choices. People like to blame the other woman because they know she is temporary and it’s simply easier to do. Woman are mysterious, yes. But it isn’t their intention to ruin what he has at home. If it is, she can not hold the title of woman, but rather a inconsiderate bitch. We know what we want, and we know how to get it. But we can not close our minds to the fact that some women’s intentions are to find her life partner any way she can. You call that being selfish, I call that being diligent. In conclusion, we all deserve to find the soul that intertwines and blossoms into pure magic.

    • I am a Christian so that is the only perspective I can approach things from. So in my eyes God will not give me someone else’s man. And really I would not want a man with a wife. I want a man of my own that is dedicated to me. Not a man that goes home to his wife after we have spent time together. So while the other woman is fully dedicated to the man, the man is not fully dedicated to her. Because he has a wife that is his dedication. I want a full time man that wants to build a family and a future with me. That can live with me full time. And being the other woman, you are not getting that. If he dies tomorrow are you going to be taken care of? Are you going to get the life insurance? No. His wife is. So a woman can be the other woman if that is what makes them happy. I just know that is not the kind of love I feel I deserve. I do not want to share my man with a wife and his children.

  17. This is a good discussion , years ago i said no to a man i liked so much as he liked me too,but told me he had a wife and kids cause i saw a ring on his figure (you can tell he was unhappily married but didn’t say it). I said no to him even though i was so attracted to him, i said i did not want to be the cause of any problem in his marriage. And he said he respected me for being a woman with morals (everyone thinks i am stupid for saying no to this dentist). but because i liked him i just became his friend who didn’t get sexually involved with him in any way. i told myself being his friend would be OK ,i would still feel close to him,and even if i have no body i was saving a marriage. i also grow up in a dysfunctional home and i know what infidelity can ruin a home . recently ,he told me he filed for divorce as he cheated on his wife ,she found out and did the same (she gave him a test of his own medicine and he was upset ,and decided to let her go) which i find unfair to the woman. sadly i still like this man ,and he still likes me too ,we have never had any sexual contact just been friends as we work together.i try to let go this feeling but it doesn’t go away,i pray about it ,i dont understand why God cloud have me so attracted to a cheater,it doesn’t make sense at all .i have been single and lived a sexless life for nearly all of my life ,had my first relationship when i was 27 ,i was almost a 30 year old virgin. i am not ugly or anything as people complement me all the time lol ,i attract a lot of married men but i cant date them as i am not a home wrecker. its sad cause i dont want any man but him , is this a God given desire or is this lust. Whats happening to me ?

    • The first thing I like to say is that God can never make you be attracted to anyone. He gave you free will and the reason why you are attracted to him is because you are attracted to him. It may be for many reasons. You may be attracted to his appearance, how he treats you, or his personality. Only you can determine why. And I commend you for not messing with a married men despite your attraction. I think it was very good for you not to feed into your flesh. As for this man I cannot tell you what to do but I would tell you what to consider. First, I would wait until this man is fully divorced before trying to date him AND after he is divorced, dating a newly divorced man can be hard. A man who just got out of a marriage is typically not going to want to jump into a new serious relationship or marriage. Plus he has a history of cheating. That does not mean that he will cheat on you, but it also may mean that he will. If he is your close friend as you say and he likes you. I would have an honest conversation with him. I would NOT under any circumstances sleep with him. And let him know you have no intentions of sleeping with him. After he knows that there is no sex, just ask him up front what his intentions for you are. And if he plans to marry again in the future. At the end of the day, if he knows that he is not going to have sex with you (because you told him that) and he still wants a real relationship with you; you can date but only after the divorce is finalized. From there just pay attention to his behavior when dating you. If he has real interest in you his actions will show it. If he sticks around knowing that you are not going to have sex with him, you know he is serious about you. AND you need to observe if he can keep it in his pants and not sleep with other women. If he disappears after to tell him you are not having sex or insist that he must have sex with you or other women and cannot wait. Then you know your answer about why he was really coming on to you.

  18. What if you have children together and have been common law for 16+ boring-ass years together? Would God give him to someone else even if I approve?

  19. I would like to see what people say more like a word of advice…..Please bear with me I might be all over the place….

    So I ended up getting into a relationship and fell in love… So he said he fell in love with me too and from that point thought it would be good to finally tell me the truth….. Come to find out he was hiding a life from me…. Well he is married and a baby on the way….! This was how he put it…. He said that him and his wife have been married at the time less then 1 yr and that majority of the marriage she was living in Maryland due to she did not want to move to AZ. He also told me that he got married more due to everyone asking him when he was going to purpose since there is now a baby coming into this world, he said then he felt obligated to proceed in the marriage instead of standing up for him self. Then he told me that he sat his wife down before them actually signing the paper work and told her that he didn’t want to get married because they are having a baby and he didn’t feel like he is the right man for her. He said she took it as him having cold feet and told him they are getting married…. So now Im going on 7 month with being with him and starting to question if im more in the relationship then him….. The wife made an unexpected flight down from MD to AZ about 3 months in and found the txt messages of him having an affair at the end of all the fighting he sent her and the new born baby back to maryland due to the pain that was caused and had me come move in with him I stayed with him for about 3 month till then the wife said she was struggling and wanted to come back. So he asked me to leave so the wife and baby would have a home. So me falling in love with him i told him yes due to the baby not her…. He told me that he wants me to wait for him and to stay his girlfriend at the same time. His personality he is not good at standing his ground and communicating but better if he were to type of txt it out and Ive confirmed that even with his family and wife. So he told me that what he wants to do is set a life for her and the baby so at the end when he leaves she will at least have a home and not struggle but he wants to refrain from having her know that is what he is doing to spare her even more pain in the process and wants me to take his word that he is leaving but he needs to make things right since she never asked for this and so that he can leave with so what of a clear mind and for him to be okay with at some point another man will be raising his child since he wants to be with me. Like the wording is all amazing when he says it but I don’t know if i should believe it or if its the truth.

    • Oh dear. I really want you to get out of this situation. I know you do not know the wife, but I really feel bad for her. She just had a newborn baby and her husband sent her and her new born child packing on a flight because HE was hurt. And HE is the one cheating. I want to ask you, why would you want to be with a man like that anyway? The only thing I see from this post is a man who is selfish. A man who wants you and wants his wife when it convenient for him. And a man who does not know how to be a good husband or a father, because both his wife and his child are coming last place in his life. And that should NOT be so. Imagine that you are a wife. Imagine that you had his child. And imagine that he is cheating with another woman and putting you (his wife) and his child on the back burner because of someone else. He is not a man of good character.Remember dear, you reap what you sow. If you do this to someone’s marriage you are opening up doors for the same thing to happen to you when you are married. If their marriage is going to break up, then let it break up. But you do not need to be the witness or the cause of the breakup. Go be with a man that is free to with you. Remember the same way you meet a man is the same way you loose him. And if you even marry him in the future, he has not shown himself to be a good husband. You can expect the same type of treatment from him in the future that he is giving his wife now.

  20. The thing Is I didn’t know she was ever apart of the picture. I never did the damage is the thing and me and her came to agree with that. Falling in love was never a thought that would happen but he told me Im not the issue, however Ive been married and this happened to me well not the same scenario but my ex husband cheated on me…. I took him back but finally just got tired of it. I’m not looking for judgement but walking away seems so hard and I tell him Ill back off till he does what he needs to but he refuses to let go. They have not slept together since last year and Ive been with him about 7 months…. known him almost over 1 yr. I know he is not showing signs of loyalty due to what he has done but I cant help my self but relate due to the story between. Like he has told her plenty of time he loves her and his baby but he no longer in love with her and has been that way before I got in the picture. That he wants to be able to help set them up with a home of her own and coordinate with their daughter but no longer wants to be in her life. As once a wife I understand she does not want to let go due to her love and I see she has fight in her but her fight and him pushing away i dont know how to feel….

    • I am sorry if you feel I judged you. It was not my intention. But I PROMISE you I have been in same situation as you. If you have not read my single mother story on this blog I found out my child’s father was still married when my son was one year old. And guess what, the same way he abandoned his wife when she was pregnant was the same way he abandoned me when I was pregnant. What I am telling you is that he has a character flaw. At the end of the day that is his wife. No matter what he says to you, he took a vow before GOD promising to ALWAYS be there for his wife and his family. No one put a gun to his head. He did it on his own free will even if he did feel pressured. He still had to choose to say I do. He still married her. Understand that if he is willing to break his vow that he took to GOD and to his wife, he will break that vow for you. I am telling you as someone who has been there and I KNOW that when you walk away and get over this situation with him you will see that you deserve a man that will love you and is FREE to love you and does not have all this baggage and drama. A good relationship does not start off like what he is giving you. You deserve more then this love triangle. Whenever I get confused, I always ask myself what would Jesus do. And if I feel that Jesus would not approve then I stop doing what I am doing. I hope that will give you insight on what you should do. I do not know if you believe in God. But God is never going to give you someone else’s husband. Not ever. But he will give you a man that is free to love you and be with you. But you have to let go of what he does not want for you first.

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