To listen to the blog post “Can A Married Man Love His Mistress? The 100% Truth & What No One Will Tell You” just click the play button below.
Can a married man love his mistress? It was requested for me to write about this topic. Apparently, I did not realize how prevalent of a phenomenon this was. Married men messing with mistresses and mistresses wondering if the man really loves her and if he is going to marry her BUT before he does so he has to leave his wife.
Now before I continue on with this post, I want you to know that I am going to keep it 100% real with you. If you are expecting me to sit up here and give you an unrealistic point of view of a married man and his mistress then know for that is just not me. I do not fluff anything I am just going to give you the reality of the situation. BUT know that the advice that I give you has your absolute best interest at heart.
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Can A Married Man Love His Mistress? Consider Is It Love or Lust.
Can A Married Man Love His Mistress? To answer the question I think we must define love. The definition of love can be very subjective depending on what you consider love to be. Since I am writing this, I am going to tell you my definition of love. I feel when you truly love someone, then it is really one of those most unselfish things you can do. See my video down below and subscribe to my channel by clicking here.
- When a married man has an affair with a woman, is it more like lust? (see my blog here to know the difference). Or better yet works of the flesh (see my blog here to understand why that is).
- Love is beyond the feel-good emotions, love is beyond sex, and love is beyond having a good time. It is about wanting the best for them, wanting to provide for them, and wanting them to be happy in their lives. And an affair is not that.
So when you think about the question can a married man love his mistress? An affair is a lot of sneaking around, the other woman being jealous of the wife, the wife being suspicious about what is going on, and the husband going back and forth between them. And that is not love. That is called a hot mess.
Because really when you think about it, if a married man was to love his mistress what is she getting out of the situation. She may get money, she may get sex, she may get a little bit of time. But that is not love, those are just things. It is not like the man is going to be there for her through thick and thin, she cannot go home and meet his family, spend the holidays with him, call him after work when she is having a bad day (because his wife is home), or just pop up to his house when she wants to.
So what about that spells love. It sounds more to me like a relationship of convenience. Real love is about fully immersing your life with another person. The other woman may go on vacations with him, dinner, or give him encouragement from time to time. But she does not take on the full responsibilities of a real relationship like the wife does.
She is not the one raising the kids, contributing to the household, or dealing with the in-laws. The mistress is really only there for the good times and not the bad. And that not love that is just fun. Love is unconditional. But an affair has conditions on it. It says.
- I love you as long as my wife does not find out.
- I love you as long as you are not asking me to leave my wife.
- I love you as long as you have sex with me.
- I love you as long as you be what I want you to be and do what I want and I get to go back home with my wife in the end.
- I love you but….
Can A Married Man Love His Mistress? ~ What’s My Point
I hope you really get my drift here. Because as soon as you are not giving him what he wants as a mistress then his love is gone. As soon as you require too much time as a mistress his love is gone. As soon as he is tired of you his love is gone. And as soon as you come between him and his wife his love is gone.
The point that I am getting at is that when it comes to love, you have to be there for both the good and the bad. So how can a married man love his mistress, when she is only there for the good and when the man wants to have a good time and that just called lust. Also, check out my video on women cheating with married men and subscribe to my channel by clicking here.
Can A Married Man Love His Mistress? No, Because He Loves His Wife
I highly recommend you read my blog lies married men tell their mistresses because the fact of the matter is that no matter if the man is cheating on his wife at one point and time he stood before a judge, preacher, or some ordained individual and took vows before God and his family declaring his love to his wife. The mistress does NOT have that luxury. She is really just his secret that he keeps tucked away and no one really knows about.
I mean really, when you think about it the wife is getting all the benefits because deep down she is the one that he loves. The man goes homes to his wife and his kids and what does the woman go home to….herself. The wife is getting the house, her bills paid, the authority to make decisions on behalf of the family, if a married man dies, the money, house, cars, and life insurance will go to the wife.
If he had debts the wife will be responsible for paying them. What does the other woman get? She does not benefit from the life insurance policy or his health insurance. She does not have to worry about how the house is going to get paid off or making funeral arrangements if he dies.
In fact, if something happens to the husband the mistress cannot even show up to the funeral and say her goodbyes. If the married man ends up in the hospital the wife is what makes the medical decisions in case he is in a coma, not the mistress.
There is a difference between being a wife and playing wife (click here to read about a real wife versus a play wife). The fact that the wife has all this authority simply because she is his wife means that he loves her and not the mistress, I mean think about it.
What real long-term benefits does a mistress get. Because even if she is getting money from him now on any given day the married man can just leave and never talk to her again and like that all of the benefit he gave her is gone. Also, consider checking out my video below on how messing with a married man can bring bad karma to your life.
Can A Married Man Love His Mistress? No, So Why Does She Love Him
Can A Married Man Love His Mistress? In case you are not getting my drift here, the answer is not. As a mistress, you are getting the short end of the stick. A mistress is being faithful to a man that cannot be faithful to her because he has a wife. When the mistress has a hard day at work she cannot call the man because he may be with his family.
The man is literally getting all of his needs met and the woman is waiting around getting the short end of the stick. She is in a relationship with someone that is not really in a relationship with her. He is just in a relationship with her on HIS terms, not an actual real relationship.
Sharing a man with another woman should hurt you, not having your own man that is fully dedicated to you and your needs should hurt you, having a man that has to get up after you have sex with him and rush home to his wife should hurt you. Now, if I ask a battered housewife, why she stays with a husband that beats her.
She may say because I love him and he loves me. But how can a man who hurts you love you? I know that is what he says, but is that what he is showing you? And think of it this way. Even if by chance a married man does leave his wife for you, as a mistress then what is keeping him from doing it again with you when the next hot thing comes around?
Can A Married Man Love His Mistress? If It Is Really Love Then Let It Go
Can A Married Man Love His Mistress? I personally do not think that a married man can love his mistress based on ALL the above things I just mentioned but let’s just say that he did. A true act of love would be for him to let the woman go and allow her to live a life. The only way a married man can truly be with a woman he is having an affair with is if he divorces his wife.
And why would you ever want a man that is willing to leave his wife and kids for you? And more than likely he is not willing to do that anyway. So a true act of love would be to allow the mistress to go on and find a man that she can call her own and marry. Not to keep her tucked away in his back pocket pulling her out and putting her back in whenever he feels like it.
Therefore, ladies, do not put yourself in the position of a mistress and do not fool yourself into thinking that this married man is in love with you. He is not and he won’t be, and even if he does you should not want a man that is so fickle that he falls in and out of love with his wife.
Can A Married Man Love His Mistress? Final Thoughts
Here are my final thoughts on can a married man love his mistress. Remember, a married man can say anything that he wants about his wife when he is going to another woman. But there are two sides to every story and who knows if what he is saying is even true. If they are going to get a divorce, it would be best for the other woman to allow it to happen on its own and not be the driving force for a man to leave his family. My saying is that God is NEVER going to give you someone else’s husband (click my blog here to read more on this topic).
God values marriage and does not want anyone to commit adultery. I seriously doubt, he is going to turn over one of his 10 commandments for you to be with someone else’s husband. And more than anything, please do not get into a situation where you are competing with another woman over a man or in this case her husband. Check out my video below on how to stop doing that and don’t forget to subscribe to my channel by clicking here.
If you know a woman that is a mistress then share this post with her because homegirl needs a reality check.
Stuck in a situationship with a married man? Then get Your 5 Step Plan To Getting Over a Married Man. Click here or the picture below.
I think it is possible to love more than one person at the same time. I agree that love is unselfish, but not everyone wants the same things out of life or a relationship. You can love someone without wanting to get married or have kids. However, I want to point out that adultery is 100% wrong regardless. Lying and sneaking around is never good. But there are people who practice open marriage. In this case, you may have a spouse who you love, but also a girlfriend or boyfriend whom you also love. If they are happy spending time with you when they can, and aren’t looking to get married and have kids, I see nothing wrong with that and I believe love can exist in both scenarios.
You must be a mistress. Poor girl.
I think she’s the wife. Not the mistress. Hahaha! She’s obviously really hurt. I myself have been on both sides. I have been the wife and the mistress. I’ll tell you something, as the mistress I got more time than the wife and more privileges. And this man never loved his wife. He told me and it showed. I stayed with him for 5 years. He was married for 6. By the 6th year we already bought a home together and he left his wife. We are very happy today. Some people are more compatible that’s all. I was the better catch – I am employed, have my own business, a couple of cars and property and she had nothing. Again, I think it all depends on compatibility. We are very happy. He’s happy he made the right choice. I know a lot of men who left for their mistress and are quite happy. Some aren’t.
I would be curious to know how many of these men who left their wives for mistresses are happy, and for how long their marriages lasted for. Because it is statistically proven that most of these relationships do not last.
Nicole, no judgement here, really, I am honest when I type this. BUT I think you are wrong on so many levels. What do you mean you were the better catch because you have your own business and she had nothing? Really? This is how we define our worth in terms of relationships? Are you happy about that? If someone comes along with more cars and more houses and more money, would you just consider yourself inferior to them and just think, oh, he´ll cheat with this person, she is just a better catch?
Also, how does he know he made the right choice? You would have to give it the same time that his marriage lasted and just check and see how you see things in 6 year time, I would say. How do you know he made the right choice? Why are you evaluating yourself in terms of comparison?
How do you know he never loved her? If he lied to her, he can lie to you. What does it mean “it showed”?
Anyway, my point is not to judge, as I was saying. I am sure that there are people out there leaving their relationships for other people (I know some myself, been one 🙂 ) and that is a good idea in the end. But please, just please, show some respect and some empathy and some common sense to the partner. I think what you are saying here is just cruel and I am pretty sure you´ll come back in some time (might be a month, might be 10 years, but it will happen) with your own story of “wife who was never loved, not the best catch, left because etc…”
What is argued here is not that people are more compatible with other people, which can happen any time. The thing is how do you compare the newness and illusion of an affair with a long term relationship. You cannot, it´s apples and pears.
It saddens me when I read messages like yours. I´ve cheated and I´ve been cheated on, but I always refused to be a mistress. The amount of delusion involved in justifying one´s actions when put in that position seems too much for me. To each her/his own, but please, please just get off that high horse. You can either get off by yourself or you´ll be pushed brutally by this crazy thing called life 🙂 Best of luck!
U took the words right out of my mouth. The spirit of Jezebel is rampant these last days and isn’t funny. I was getting ready to say that a mistress is absolutely delusional. It’s true. They live in denial which is technically a “mental issue” within itself. God will not reward ppl in situations like that. No sin is left unpunished. I believe a mistress can repent/or change thanks to u giving them some insight on this forum, you may actually save a soul or two. However, the lady in the comment talking about she is a better catch. Wow 😮. I’ve seen this before, mistresses at some point will become more obsessed with the wife then the man. She constantly compares herself (lying to herself) that she’s “better” when in actuality she is no comparison. Also, remember God will exalt the humble and humble the exalted (Mathew 23:12). God hates pride and haughtiness… pride masks sin to the point that we are proud… comfortable with, sleeping with, and/or, ultimately “taking” someone else’s husband. I’m not excusing the mans behavior but we cannot be an accomplice to the crime of adultery ladies. Men will tell you everything u want to hear to satisfy himself they’ve been like that since the beginning of time… Still, I will pray for this young lady and the souls of other mistresses as this is no laughing matter. The punishment was “death” in some cases of adultery. God isn’t playing with us… So yea, stop it and seek the face of The Most High. Repent and find y’all own man ladies or remain single. In the end, God will bless you for staying faithful to him, most importantly 👊🏽
Facts.
I have read all the comments , and her is my story it’s hard to write because I am married with my husband now a lot 3 but we been together for 13 I love very much . But about a year and half ago I found out he was having an affair we been throw a lot knowing this info and he always told I love I am not having the affair but I know that he still seeing her and that he tells he love her and wants to be with her and the big thing that she wants is when is he going to leave me this his answer soon I love you , I don’t love my wife. I keep saying this to myself everyday I love my husband but it’s still so hard to know someone is so obsessed with my husband and he tells her you understand me.what is the price of love I ask myself?
At the end of the day you need to figure out if you are happy in this situation or not. You do not have to tolerate your husband doing this, if he won’t stop seeing her then you will have to determine if you are happy being in a situation like this (only you can decide) but certainly do not tolerate him playing both sides.
Thea, I am sorry that you are going through this. Just take a big deep breath and think about what you want and how you deserve to be treated. I wish all the best and hang on, light is coming your way, I am sure!
That’s not true. You all must not be in touch with reality! Alot of marriages are business partnerships. People have found a good business partner and both husband and wife are open to being in other relationships and they do. They set their boundaries and that’s it. There is an entire swinging culter where everyone is married! & They all interchange partners. Or co inhabit as couples and all sleep together. We’re what advice do you have for the wife who’s husband has a mistress???? When she does not want to share but de idea to stay bc of the money, house and cars? God the Bible says this is the reason to get a divorce but why do women still stay knowing their husband is sleeping with others. Other men and women sometimes!? She is playing the at home whore? Just there for material things bc he clearly doesn’t love her. It’s all selfish and all about what everyone can get for themselves. If God himself tells u it’s wrong but u stay, ur just as bad as the husband and the mistress!
Men can have sex with anyone. Steve Harvey will tell you that in his book Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man. But For Men, for women they love they protect, provide (money), and profess (letting the world, know by giving them a title like a wife and introducing them to their family). As a mistress, if your man dies tomorrow then what? Do you get anything in this will? A home? His life insurance? Can you go to his funeral? Can you come to the hospital? A man that has a mistress is wrong. But never think if you sleep with a married man that you are winning. He did make a legal vow to his wife? No matter if she knows about you or not. In front of a judge, a minister, a court of law, and both of their families and they have a legal binding document otherwise known as a marriage certificate. I think that speaks a lot to how he feels about her. That he somehow went through all of these steps to live full time with her, set her up financially, in the present, and when he dies. As well as to introduce her to his family and to her put her his life insurance and health insurance. Some wives don’t care. But either way, she is still getting the benefits of a wife. And the mistress is mostly just sex and I will never encourage a woman to think that this is the best that she can do. Or that she is winning over the wife.
As a mistress I do not want him to leave his family. I do not want the responsibility of a wife. I enjoy him at his best. He comes to me happy. He leaves happy. I enjoy my freedom. I am not jealous of his wife or family. I want him to stay married. Why does every one think the mistress wants to be his wife? I don’t. I just want to spend time with him when he can and he can make me happy in bed and out. Being his wife, having kids are not my goal with him. I enjoy the happy guy he is around me. We converse on many levels, on many topics, we enjoy each other and I am not trying to change him. If he wanted to divorce I would tell him do not do it. Everyone thinks a mistress is miserable, wanting what the wife has, sitting alone waiting for him – NOT. We have full lives and he is just a piece of that life. We travel, have fun, enjoy life with him or without him. Don’t pity us, we pity you. I don’t have to hear his complaints, wash his clothes, cook for him, run his errands, watch the budget, etc. I am happy just seeing him when I can. I am not crying, I am not jealous of his wife, I am not deceiving him because we both know it is not love just lust and a damn good time.
Please don’t feel sorry for me. I get what I want from him, I give him what he wants and cannot get at home. I just want to see him smile. My life is fine. If I wanted love at this point I would find a msn to give me that. Until then, last is just fine by me and I send him home to you.
I do not think that every mistress wants to be a wife, I guess I do not understand why you would want to share a man. And why possibly hurt another family or another woman by sleeping with her husband. But every person has a choice, if you are happy with what you do and the decisions you make in your life, then that is your truth that you have to live by. Even if you don’t want to be a wife, why not just be with a nonmarried man that can do all of that for you. Why risk breaking up a home, hurting a family and possibly his children. But if that is a decision you can live with then that is your right.
So why don’t you hold the man accountable for cheating on his wife? You haven’t done that not once. In a lot of cases, men don’t love their wives or don’t love the situation they’re in at home. Read a psychology post about it some time. I think you sound very hurt, and slightly biased, because you haven’t used any statistics or cited any credible evidence. If your husband cheats and lies to you just say that sis lol. A man who ACTUALLY loves you won’t stray. A woman with common sense should know that. A man who respects you won’t embarrass you.
I do believe in holding a man accountable. But since my blog is geared toward women 99 percent that is who I speak to. Also, I do have a blog that cites statistics in a separate blog you can read it here. https://sophie-sticatedmom.com/2016/03/04/i-stopped-rushing-to-get-married-because-married-men-cheat/ Also, and I am confused by your comment. I am saying that a man who loves you won’t stray, there is no argument in that.
Of course a married man can love his mistress and wife. Of course one will take precident over the other. But it is possible and happens
With all due respect what you just described is not love to me. If I am in a relationship or any woman they should be the priority, it should not be having to split attention and priority from one woman over the next.
Never understood the whole affair thing. Especially if one is married what exactly are you getting out of this other than sex.
My first marriage ended due to my husband being unfaithful. I’ve never been able to understand either perspective: that of the cheater or that of the mistress. For me, when I’ve been single, married men have always been a turn off! Why would I want to ruin someone else’s relationship?
I am sorry that happened to you. I agree I do not want to ruin someone else marriage either. And if a man wants to be with other women then why get married in the first place.
Very good analysis. I think that a man, even if crazily in love, is generally less inclined to make changes in his life. A woman, when in love, tends to unwisely turn her life upside down with no (evident and immediate) effect. Maybe men are wiser with this?
Yes. I do agree with what you are saying. I think men tend to stay level headed and women become very emotional causing them to make unwise choices.
Seriously didn’t know how to respond to this. All I can think is, if he cheated with you, what makes you think he won’t cheat ON YOU?
I am a daughter of a mistress. There’s 5 of us siblings actually. My father died at the arms of my mother. They’ve not been married however they have not been separated aince they met.
And if you don’t mind me asking, why didn’t he marry her?
Maybe cause marriage has nothing, necessarily, to do with love. Security is an illusion, no less than Santa Claus. I am so proud and happy to be an independent woman who does not need or want to be “provided for” nor to be legally bound to another dynamic, ever changing human being. I want a love that leaves both partners in it on an at will basis, day by day, not by contractual obligation. This article sounds very socially brainwashed. Don’t pity us other women…a great many of us pity you.
I am independent as well I have a PhD. So no need to pity me. This article comes for my personal belief as a Christian and as someone who has a degree in marriage and family therapy and has counseled married couples. So no, it is not narrow-minded in my opinion as it does not come from a perspective of just my point of view but rather my professional experience. If you do not agree that is fine. But no need to be negative, to pity me, or to say that everyone has to agree with your perspective. I welcome comments that disagree but not ones that intend to belittle other people due to them having a difference of opinion. God bless you and all the best in your life.
Sophie, you are belittling the mistress. Your assuming she is less valuable. It’s sad how society dictates she is but affairs are not a one size fits all scenario. Although rare, I know of two unbreakable marriages that started off as affairs. Nobody seeks out a married man, situations just happen cause something is wrong with the marriage. A man in love would not be in a affair situation, he will walk away. Fact, ssometimes the wife isn’t enough and the mistress is. I had a married man tell me he made a mistake marrying his wife and wants to marry his mistress. His words, “it’s cheaper to keep her” and takes his mistress everywhere. Bottom line the heart wants what it wants and doesn’t need a marriage certificate to express that.
No I think that mistress belittle themselves. I think that she should think that she is worth more than being with a man that is already taken. That stands for any woman competing with another woman for a man even if he is not married. What world is this where we just want to share men with other women. I would hope they would see their value more than that.
Sophia, my apologies for misspelling your name and also the typos. I dont think a mistress feels she is belittling herself, especially when she gets the man at the end. Great example is Charles and Camilla. I think in general peopke believe love is worth fighting for. That is why people share, to get the prize sort of speak. People come in your life for a reason. This is an intriguing topic and you have many great points not to mention an outstanding writer. Nobody wins in a affair. Typically, it’s the mistress that does gets the short end of the stick.
Well, I guess that is an opinion personally I hope that all women should not want to share their man, or possibly break up a marriage. I think it is a self-respect thing or for me it is. But each person has their own moral compass. And if one feels that this is a moral thing for them to do then by all means the only person they have to justify themselves to is God.
Thank you for saying this. I agree 100%. I feel when people think of “affairs” they immediately assume perfect family, soul mates, best friends turned spouses fall victim to a filthy vulture that has been circling the happy couple and decided to swoop in and snatch the unwilling fragile boy-man….
Let’s be real. Is it be too much to consider an unhappy marriage kept together for what could be 1000 different reasons. Maybe they didn’t know eachother well enough and jumped into wedlock too early, maybe one of them settled thinking “time was running out” or they don’t really love them, but they likely won’t do any better….sadly these types of scenarios are far too real. So when a man meets the woman he has been looking for all his life, the woman that would be all the things I described in the beginning of this, he would struggle to not want to start a life with her. Am I condoning being unloyal or sneaking around piling on lie after lie? Absolutely not, but I can certainly understand why he would. It’s hard to say “hey honey, I fell in love with someone else and I am going to end this and start the life Ive dreamed about with her”
Again, I will never agree with cheating, but reality is, 50% of marriages end in divorce regardless telling me it’s not done out of pure love from the start.
I hope your friend wasn’t expecting a positive answer because she is in love with a married man! I think you gave a great analysis of the situation. If he truly loves her, he would leave his family. Then again, if he truly loved his wife would he even have a mistress??
No, he wouldn’t.
No, he wouldn’t.
Such a complicated thing. I could see a man falling in love with his mistress but the proof of that love is if he man’s up admits his mistake to his wife and does right by the other woman. While right and wrong is black and white I don’t like to generalize in situations like this cause from the outside looking in you may not know the exact specifics behind the marriage or the affair… what if they stayed together for kids or because of illness…etc. I won’t throw stones but I’m not trying to go after a married man.
The concept of love is complicated as there are a different types of love: you love your partner, your parents, kids and certain food etc. However, in answer to your question-I’d say that a man will never fall in love with her mistress. At the same time, if he is cheating on his wife, then he is definitely not in love with her either.
Agreed.
I am in a situation where the married mans wife has ms and agreed to the affair and then stopped it. We have been off/ on for a year. I believe he is staying for his kids knowing she is unable to care for them
This is an interesting read .. I don’t think I can ever understand the unfaithful thing. i just don’t get it …i think yes it’s possible to love two people at the same time .. but you are going to love one more than the other .. I cant see how someone can love two people the exact same amount . AAANNNDDD if they really loved them they would want the best for them , not to hurt them for their own personal gain. Idk . its definitely a terrible situation.
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A husband may love his wife, his kids, his parents but he doesn’t love his affair; he just needs passion (that thing that their own wedding misses out)
I don’t think an affair can turn into something strong. Maybe it’s just me but I think that would leave a complete “what if” in the back of one another’s mind. I think you tackled this subject perfectly!
Interesting read, Sophia. I hope everything is okay with your friend. Glad we got connected through the FB group and look forward to following along with future posts…
I know a few married people who have cheated, been cheated on, and some who married the person they were cheating with. This is an interesting take. good read!
I liked your post its interesting. I personally don’t think you can love 2 people the same way the same time because if you love the 1st one you wouldn’t go looking for someone else. That’s just personal opinion
Adultery is 100% wrong. Don’t commit yourself to a person whether it’s a serious relationship or a marriage if you know you can’t do that: commit.
My stance on affairs is pretty firm – a big no way! – but I appreciate this piece for the angles it explores.
My opinion is that if a man will cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you. That’s why I can’t get behind cheaters and their “relationships”.
xoxo, SS
The Southern Stylista
You make some good points here, but I want to share a story with you that’s along the lines of “the exception to the rule proves the rule.” My aunt left my uncle after 15 years of marriage to be with a man she was having an affair with. He was also married, and his wife was the crazy if-you-leave-me-I’ll-kill-myself-and-the-kids type, so he stayed with his wife while my aunt waited. Two weeks after his youngest turned 18, he left his wife for my aunt. We all thought my aunt was bat-sh*t crazy for waiting, but it worked out in the end. Even though all those years he was never 100% with my aunt.
This is an interesting story. But I am sure it was alot of heart ache for your aunt for all those years. I do not feel that anyone deserves to go through that. Playing tug of war over a man. But if it is what she wanted then she got the man that she waited for.
Oh, adults are so complicated. 😛
But this is a thought-provoking post. I’m not married but I know someone who claims he’s in love with his mistress. Eventually though, he got back with his wife.
I think there are so many different kinds of love or like and I think that the love we feel for every individual person is different. You will never feel the same love for a spouse that you would a mistress
hmmm i believe that people can love multiple times in life, i would hope my husband would be honest if he ever felt to stray..
From a mistresses perspective: I do not think love is defined. We all seek different things from a life partner, so we can’t argue what love is. But we all know true love exists. When you find it, run with it and be prepared for ANY outcome. The person you’re “meant to be” with, may in fact be a married man that you’ve been “having fun” with. Way too often people settle for what they think they are left with, that is the way life turns out for many. Usually ends in divorce. True love doesn’t die, and we would move heaven and earth for the person we are destined to love. If a man is having an affair, that’s his choice, not a mistake. He is not being forced, or held against his will for making that decision. You can not blame a woman for the faults of a mans choices. People like to blame the other woman because they know she is temporary and it’s simply easier to do. Woman are mysterious, yes. But it isn’t their intention to ruin what he has at home. If it is, she can not hold the title of woman, but rather a inconsiderate bitch. We know what we want, and we know how to get it. But we can not close our minds to the fact that some women’s intentions are to find her life partner any way she can. You call that being selfish, I call that being diligent. In conclusion, we all deserve to find the soul that intertwines and blossoms into pure magic.
I am a Christian so that is the only perspective I can approach things from. So in my eyes God will not give me someone else’s man. And really I would not want a man with a wife. I want a man of my own that is dedicated to me. Not a man that goes home to his wife after we have spent time together. So while the other woman is fully dedicated to the man, the man is not fully dedicated to her. Because he has a wife that is his dedication. I want a full time man that wants to build a family and a future with me. That can live with me full time. And being the other woman, you are not getting that. If he dies tomorrow are you going to be taken care of? Are you going to get the life insurance? No. His wife is. So a woman can be the other woman if that is what makes them happy. I just know that is not the kind of love I feel I deserve. I do not want to share my man with a wife and his children.
This is a good discussion , years ago i said no to a man i liked so much as he liked me too,but told me he had a wife and kids cause i saw a ring on his figure (you can tell he was unhappily married but didn’t say it). I said no to him even though i was so attracted to him, i said i did not want to be the cause of any problem in his marriage. And he said he respected me for being a woman with morals (everyone thinks i am stupid for saying no to this dentist). but because i liked him i just became his friend who didn’t get sexually involved with him in any way. i told myself being his friend would be OK ,i would still feel close to him,and even if i have no body i was saving a marriage. i also grow up in a dysfunctional home and i know what infidelity can ruin a home . recently ,he told me he filed for divorce as he cheated on his wife ,she found out and did the same (she gave him a test of his own medicine and he was upset ,and decided to let her go) which i find unfair to the woman. sadly i still like this man ,and he still likes me too ,we have never had any sexual contact just been friends as we work together.i try to let go this feeling but it doesn’t go away,i pray about it ,i dont understand why God cloud have me so attracted to a cheater,it doesn’t make sense at all .i have been single and lived a sexless life for nearly all of my life ,had my first relationship when i was 27 ,i was almost a 30 year old virgin. i am not ugly or anything as people complement me all the time lol ,i attract a lot of married men but i cant date them as i am not a home wrecker. its sad cause i dont want any man but him , is this a God given desire or is this lust. Whats happening to me ?
The first thing I like to say is that God can never make you be attracted to anyone. He gave you free will and the reason why you are attracted to him is because you are attracted to him. It may be for many reasons. You may be attracted to his appearance, how he treats you, or his personality. Only you can determine why. And I commend you for not messing with a married men despite your attraction. I think it was very good for you not to feed into your flesh. As for this man I cannot tell you what to do but I would tell you what to consider. First, I would wait until this man is fully divorced before trying to date him AND after he is divorced, dating a newly divorced man can be hard. A man who just got out of a marriage is typically not going to want to jump into a new serious relationship or marriage. Plus he has a history of cheating. That does not mean that he will cheat on you, but it also may mean that he will. If he is your close friend as you say and he likes you. I would have an honest conversation with him. I would NOT under any circumstances sleep with him. And let him know you have no intentions of sleeping with him. After he knows that there is no sex, just ask him up front what his intentions for you are. And if he plans to marry again in the future. At the end of the day, if he knows that he is not going to have sex with you (because you told him that) and he still wants a real relationship with you; you can date but only after the divorce is finalized. From there just pay attention to his behavior when dating you. If he has real interest in you his actions will show it. If he sticks around knowing that you are not going to have sex with him, you know he is serious about you. AND you need to observe if he can keep it in his pants and not sleep with other women. If he disappears after to tell him you are not having sex or insist that he must have sex with you or other women and cannot wait. Then you know your answer about why he was really coming on to you.
What if you have children together and have been common law for 16+ boring-ass years together? Would God give him to someone else even if I approve?
I would like to see what people say more like a word of advice…..Please bear with me I might be all over the place….
So I ended up getting into a relationship and fell in love… So he said he fell in love with me too and from that point thought it would be good to finally tell me the truth….. Come to find out he was hiding a life from me…. Well he is married and a baby on the way….! This was how he put it…. He said that him and his wife have been married at the time less then 1 yr and that majority of the marriage she was living in Maryland due to she did not want to move to AZ. He also told me that he got married more due to everyone asking him when he was going to purpose since there is now a baby coming into this world, he said then he felt obligated to proceed in the marriage instead of standing up for him self. Then he told me that he sat his wife down before them actually signing the paper work and told her that he didn’t want to get married because they are having a baby and he didn’t feel like he is the right man for her. He said she took it as him having cold feet and told him they are getting married…. So now Im going on 7 month with being with him and starting to question if im more in the relationship then him….. The wife made an unexpected flight down from MD to AZ about 3 months in and found the txt messages of him having an affair at the end of all the fighting he sent her and the new born baby back to maryland due to the pain that was caused and had me come move in with him I stayed with him for about 3 month till then the wife said she was struggling and wanted to come back. So he asked me to leave so the wife and baby would have a home. So me falling in love with him i told him yes due to the baby not her…. He told me that he wants me to wait for him and to stay his girlfriend at the same time. His personality he is not good at standing his ground and communicating but better if he were to type of txt it out and Ive confirmed that even with his family and wife. So he told me that what he wants to do is set a life for her and the baby so at the end when he leaves she will at least have a home and not struggle but he wants to refrain from having her know that is what he is doing to spare her even more pain in the process and wants me to take his word that he is leaving but he needs to make things right since she never asked for this and so that he can leave with so what of a clear mind and for him to be okay with at some point another man will be raising his child since he wants to be with me. Like the wording is all amazing when he says it but I don’t know if i should believe it or if its the truth.
Oh dear. I really want you to get out of this situation. I know you do not know the wife, but I really feel bad for her. She just had a newborn baby and her husband sent her and her new born child packing on a flight because HE was hurt. And HE is the one cheating. I want to ask you, why would you want to be with a man like that anyway? The only thing I see from this post is a man who is selfish. A man who wants you and wants his wife when it convenient for him. And a man who does not know how to be a good husband or a father, because both his wife and his child are coming last place in his life. And that should NOT be so. Imagine that you are a wife. Imagine that you had his child. And imagine that he is cheating with another woman and putting you (his wife) and his child on the back burner because of someone else. He is not a man of good character.Remember dear, you reap what you sow. If you do this to someone’s marriage you are opening up doors for the same thing to happen to you when you are married. If their marriage is going to break up, then let it break up. But you do not need to be the witness or the cause of the breakup. Go be with a man that is free to with you. Remember the same way you meet a man is the same way you loose him. And if you even marry him in the future, he has not shown himself to be a good husband. You can expect the same type of treatment from him in the future that he is giving his wife now.
I have been in an uncommon situation, I’ve always judged women who get themselves tied up in situations like this, I mean getting into relationships with married men, I met this man a year ago, it was very basic and just bare conversation as I knew he was married, the mistake I made was continuing to talk to him even when I realized I might have caught feelings for him, he’s a good man and never downplayed his marriage, I know he loves his wife and has never said otherwise, he treats her with respect I.e steps out to speak to her on the phone when we’re together and never talks about or talk down on her, I’m in love with him, heck we both are in love with each other, we’ve connected on a very deep level, he cares deeply for me, in the way he treats me, cares for me and helps me to figure out a future plan on terms of my career, his wife just found out about us, he told me about it, being a good man, and I say a good man because cheating doesn’t make him the worse man in the world cause no one is perfect, for every question she asked he was honest but didn’t disclose my information, he told me he wouldn’t speak to me for a while, now I want to end this because I love him and do not want him to go though anymore conflict in his marriage, I feel like a total bad and selfish person, cause amidst all of these, I wish things could get back to normal, he says he won’t call me for a while, what do I do when he calls back, I can’t end this, and even if I end the romantic relationship, I never want to lose him as a friend, we certainly feel like soulmates and soulmates don’t only have sexual relationships, how do I handle this? Please font judge me, I’m only human!
Yes everyone is human BUT we also can resist temptation. Let’s say that you do want to get married in the future, and your husband did this to you (which I do not wish for) but let’s just say. And a woman came in and told you the same exact explanation that you told me? Do you think that you feel that your husband was a good man, that you would understand and allow your husband to be friends with this woman? I think you can end all of this, we all have free will sure it may hurt but you can. And I think that the person God has for you is not married. God is all-knowing why would he set you up with someone who is taken. And just remember, that in the end, you would never want to do to some other woman that you would not want to be done to you. We all make mistakes Lord knows my son’s father was married and I did not know it until my son was one or two. But even in that situation I cut it off because I refused to allow myself to be that woman caught in that type of situation. I would rather free myself and be with a man that could love and marry me then stay with a man that couldn’t. Even if I had a child by him.
The thing Is I didn’t know she was ever apart of the picture. I never did the damage is the thing and me and her came to agree with that. Falling in love was never a thought that would happen but he told me Im not the issue, however Ive been married and this happened to me well not the same scenario but my ex husband cheated on me…. I took him back but finally just got tired of it. I’m not looking for judgement but walking away seems so hard and I tell him Ill back off till he does what he needs to but he refuses to let go. They have not slept together since last year and Ive been with him about 7 months…. known him almost over 1 yr. I know he is not showing signs of loyalty due to what he has done but I cant help my self but relate due to the story between. Like he has told her plenty of time he loves her and his baby but he no longer in love with her and has been that way before I got in the picture. That he wants to be able to help set them up with a home of her own and coordinate with their daughter but no longer wants to be in her life. As once a wife I understand she does not want to let go due to her love and I see she has fight in her but her fight and him pushing away i dont know how to feel….
I am sorry if you feel I judged you. It was not my intention. But I PROMISE you I have been in same situation as you. If you have not read my single mother story on this blog I found out my child’s father was still married when my son was one year old. And guess what, the same way he abandoned his wife when she was pregnant was the same way he abandoned me when I was pregnant. What I am telling you is that he has a character flaw. At the end of the day that is his wife. No matter what he says to you, he took a vow before GOD promising to ALWAYS be there for his wife and his family. No one put a gun to his head. He did it on his own free will even if he did feel pressured. He still had to choose to say I do. He still married her. Understand that if he is willing to break his vow that he took to GOD and to his wife, he will break that vow for you. I am telling you as someone who has been there and I KNOW that when you walk away and get over this situation with him you will see that you deserve a man that will love you and is FREE to love you and does not have all this baggage and drama. A good relationship does not start off like what he is giving you. You deserve more then this love triangle. Whenever I get confused, I always ask myself what would Jesus do. And if I feel that Jesus would not approve then I stop doing what I am doing. I hope that will give you insight on what you should do. I do not know if you believe in God. But God is never going to give you someone else’s husband. Not ever. But he will give you a man that is free to love you and be with you. But you have to let go of what he does not want for you first.
I don’t see what god has to do with it. Keep religion out of it. Religion clouds and pollutes everything and is beside the point. If you want to talk about contracts, loyalty, promises, and so on, then I think that’s valid, but professional relationship counselors should not bring god into the equation unless they are ecclesiastical leaders. The second you start talking about god my brain closes off. Also, you are making an assumption that a contract, such as a marriage contract, can never been altered, changed or broken. You are making an assumption that a marriage contract is written in the stones of heaven. Give me a break. Contracts are broken all the time for various reasons including that most people who get married are forced to participate in the marriage contract established by our current society. Hell, there are many gay and lesbians who were committed for years before they could legally be married. Also, this all assumes that a married relationship NEVER changes and that people and their needs never change. Come on…is the a fairy tale website?
As this is a Christian based blog, that is what I based most of my post on. If you an issue with being Christian perhaps it is best that you visit one that is not faith-based as I am sure you will find one that aligns more with your personal beliefs. As I am the owner of this, I pay for the upkeep of this blog, and I am a Christian, that is my right to write from my viewpoint. And if it is not an opinion you like then you are free to utilize your God given free will and to start your own website to express your own views or find your own tribe in which they think as you do. No need to get angry.
Yes, oh yes
I would like a word of advise dearly. my husband cheated on me, after I found out he ended it with her and told her I chose to be with my wife and kids but the woman is still in love with him deeply, also my husband still thinks and care for her. I can’t no longer take this horrible situation, I am going crazy out of my mind, I just want my husband to let go of this woman for good, so we can move on with our life and our marriage. please I need a word of advice.
In most instances I would agree with this article. There are however always exceptions to any situation. I was involved in an affair, we were both married with children. It started out as a friendship and grew from there. We felt stuck in marriages due to owning businesses and scared of what we would lose. Four years later, we are married to each other, divorced from our exes and have moved on quite nicely. Having a loving, trusting relationship. Don’t dismiss an affair as being purely physical for a man, this is not always the case. Keep your eyes open. If he starts moving money, dismissing your feelings, blatantly bringing his mistress and introducing her to family, your marriage is about to be over. Prepare yourself for that financially and emotionally. Don’t just assume you will always be the one he’s in love with. Having a partner/mistress sometimes gives people the strength and support they need to leave a bad marriage, where they may not have the strength or courage to leave on their own.
I will never co-sign an affair I just believe it is wrong. I would rather you leave your spouses first before opening a new door. But that is just my opinion. The best of luck to you and your situation.
U are correct!! When I was young and inexperienced, being cheated on I use to have this same logic that affairs are bad. Now I’m older & wiser. People don’t always marry for the correct reasons. I’ve seen people get married just for a green card. Or bc the lady got pregnant. I don’t believe ALL marriages are ordained by God. God knows are hearts. Some men never loved their wives. As some women but I’m sticking to the topic. And people’s feelings change over time. As humans we evolve and sometimes at different rates. I have seen a few of my clients leave marriages for women. It does happen. U have to be an extraordinary woman that’s worth the scandal. I wouldn’t bank on it and not advocating that women waste their time. But I can’t ignore facts. If a man truly loved his woman he couldn’t fall for another. Love makes people have tunnel vision.. I will say this when I asked my employees & clients that did leave what made them leave 4 another the common theme was that the other lady made them feel young & like a man, the other was passionate & possessed great qualities. & Didn’t pressure them to leave. The irony of that huh. As usual when u don’t chase & live life men want to be apart of that. I was told by one the lady refused to be a mistress & just maintained friendship. He couldn’t stand to be w/o her nor to let another man get her. I’ve met her she is truly a good woman. Sometimes you do choose wrong the 1st time and later you meet your match. That’s life. If my husband had a one night stand, I may can forgive but to have a mistress…a full blown relationship… that’s a hard pill. Bc obviously there’s a problem within himself or in our marriage if you can’t leave another woman alone. It sucks from both sides..
I’m married 25 years my boss 20 years ..I never cheated on my husband, my boss never cheated on his wife. Long story short, got to know my boss, we became close and our affair started three months ago. He made it clear he wasn’t leaving his wife but had feelings for me. I have very deep feelings for him on the verge of being in love with him. Ladies listen to this author ..you will never win him over. Doesn’t matter what you do for him. It doesn’t matter if you are prettier than her, Skinner than her give him more sex than her etc…it doesn’t matter. He’s not leaving . They want their cake and eat it too. So forget Him. It’s painful as hell trust me I’m going Through it and I wish I never have started . I’m trying to stay strong and resist. Not easy..final.words ladies…DO NOT I REPEAT..DO NOT FOOL AROUND WITH A MARRIED MAN. You will have your heart ripped out.
Thank you so much for your story. So many women need to hear it.
How can a husband honestly love his wife when he’s out there having a mistress and cheating . Clearly that’s not love that’s selfishness. The only reason why they stay with there wives is because there so deep in financial burden and or do it for the kids .
It is not a selfish kind of love. It is selfish. It is not fair to the wife that he vowed before God to stay faithful to and it is not fair to the mistress because he is just having his cake and eating it too. In both cases, the man is getting what he wants and both the women are getting the short end of the stick while he getting to play house and have sex with both. Neither of which is love.
If it is so that man doesn’t love the mistress, then why do affairs last for 3 years and more, sometimes for a lifetime?
In this aspect he must not love the wife or the mistress.
We forget that people technically don’t get married for love anymore, more like financial stability and because they figured they have history so they must love each other. All definitions of what love really is. Love does not lie, love does not hurt, and love does not boast. But he’s hurting, lying to, and boasting both women.
So in my opinion, staying with a married man that you know who cheats doesn’t make you any better then the mistress. He does not value or respect neither of you. And 9/10 the affairs that do last for years both the mistress and the wife know of one another but neither takes action to let him go.
Just because a man is with you and he is sleeping with a man does not mean that he loves her. As long as he is getting whatever it is that he wants from the mistress i.e sex which for men is not the same as love, and a man will stay for sex. Why not? There are SOME people who do not get married for love and some people who do, either way when you do, he does owe it to his spouse to remain faithful.
Some, not all women rather be a mistress. The part time love. Yeah, its wrong. I’ve never been married, but I have been cheated on & it’s not a good feeling. Every since then, I can’t take relationships too serious, no matter how lonely I feel. Yes, I’m a mistress. I love his company. He talks to me about work, family etc. We don’t have sex all the time. We’re actually friends. But I like being with him, but I don’t want to be WITH him. Sometimes he opens up about he’s tired of his wife & he want to leave her. But I tell him that she needs him. He’s such a beautiful man(soul). I feel so good when I’m with him, but that’s it.
Its not just that its wrong, but I just would hope that you feel you are worth more than sharing your man with someone his wife. But if you are happy and you feel that this is the relationship of your dreams then go for it. Everyone has the freedom to do what they want.
I strongly agree with what you spoke it’s true but i have a question for sophia the one who wrote this blog. Generally speaking what if a happy married Christian man gets lured out away from God by the devil and abandons his wife a children to live with a mistress. The married man refuses to get a divorce even when the mistress insists him to divorce his wife (going on 2 years).
Tells the wife he doesn’t feel rite about getting a divorce but still lives with the mistress allowing her to control him.
The married man gets caught talking and seeing his wife and his children by the mistress so he cuts the wife and children off with not a single word but still refuses to get a divorce. Clearly a spiritual battle and Jezebel spirit but what are your opinions in a godly aspect?
I think that over all this is about works of the flesh in this case lust and the lack of self control which is what God tells us to have. As a married person you may find someone else attractive but that does not mean that you have to act on it and sleep with them or even leave your family. That is where the self control comes in and the ability to control your lust and act with Good integrity and morale character as it says in Proverbs 11:3. But yes it is a spiritual battle and if one does not realize it is a spiritual battle then they are unable to revisit they will just feed into what they feel over what is right.
No no no. When you say a husband doesn’t love his mistress, he loves his wife, you are clearly wrong. You are the one who is being delusional. He doesn’t love his wife. If he truly loves his wife he wouldn’t have a love affair in the first place. The reason he doesn’t leave his wife is not because he truly loves her but because leaving the marriage involves a lot of big changes in his life, which can be extremely painful. It’s a high cost business. And you talked about the fact that the wife is the one who gets all the long term benefits and the mistress is getting nothing. That is not because he loves his wife. That’s because it is the way the system is designed. It is what the law requires. So don’t confuse this with love. I’d say the man doesn’t love his wife and he doesn’t love his mistress either. He’s keeping the marriage for his own sake. And he is seeking the love affair for his own sake. The only person he truly loves is himself.
You may be own to something, the sense that men who are just selfish indeed they live themselves. So yes, I may have to agree with you there.
Ive been married to a cheater for years. It appears he, like most ungodly men, enjoys being a womanizer and using women as objects. Some men restore cars, some ride motorbikes, some join a band, some build furniture in their sheds, some are gamers, some watch sports in their “man caves”. He plays with women. Thats his hobby.
I have had the displeasure of speaking to 2 of his victims over these years. I call them victims because they are. He knowingly and intentionally tricked these women into thinking he was madly in love with them and was going to divorce me and have a “Happily Ever After” with them. During the phone CONFRONTATIONS, they were, shockingly enough for me, extremely hostile and volatile towards me as he had convinced them that HE- NOT I- was a battered spouse. I was the abusive wife who “makes him miserable”. I was the one “ruining his life and his happiness”. I was the one “using him for his money and hurting a GOOD MAN”. I “pushed him away”. Seriously! You cant make this mess up! This is what he tells them. I guess this is how married men get into the pants. Ladies, beware. In fact, they seemed to be under the impression (or, rather, delusion) they were doing him a great service being his much needed “support” and “friend” (albeit, leaving out the SECRET and SEX parts, of course). Maybe thats also why each of them so graciously offered to whoop my azz as well. Hey, what are “friends” for?! I forgive them for being so easily manipulated with complete foolishness. They are obviously missing some screws and lightbulbs.
Hes so good at cunning women, they didnt believe me when I told them he is indeed VERY married and they had been played and lied to about everything. Hes GOOD!…though they eventually found out after he dropped each of them like a hot potato after their unsolicited phone calls to me. (I figure thats his deal breaker? Them texting or calling his wife is a no-no.) I saw the devastated, suicidal, homicidal, and hearbroken texts they sent him, blowing up his phone from various blocked numbers up to 100 times a day. Poor ladies… As I had assumed, they are simply lonely, vunerable, desperate women he took full advantage of. Thats all I have to say about mistresses because those are the only kind of mistresses Ive encountered. They seem like some very sad and stupid individuals. No wonder Ive never been one!
HE is a greedy azzhole of a man who wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He cheats for sport. He cheats because its easy. He cheats because hes abusive.
This was hard for me to put a finger on. As per his wishes, I was a stay-at-home mom for years with our 2 kids. I feel he took advantage of me and my situation of depending on him as the breadwinner of our family. He lied(s) to me and says he has repented, hes sorry, hes done doing foolish things. After the 2nd time I found him cheating with a coworker of his, I got busy studying marriage complications online when I found out what he does is called emotional abuse. I read all about emotionally abusive husbands and also discovered he met and fits every single description of a sociopath. We are talking checking off each item down the entire list! He is a narcissistic sociopath. NOW, I want a divorce. NOW, I am convinced hes crazy as hell and am done thinking that last woman will be the last time he sins against me. I am not doing the 70×7 forgiveness times thing with Jesus, whom I love and serve wholeheartedly. Jesus is the reason Im still here, still strong, still sane, still intact and Hes also the reason I have my financial exit available now, however, I am not doing the 70×7 thing. I dont love anybody that much.
Obviously, this is a lifestyle my husband enjoys and will continue. Im done being heartbroken and devastated over it. Im done praying and wishing and hoping for him to change. He does not want to. I accept that decision and will move on with my life. I just want him to accept my decision to move on. Surprisingly, after I shared my feelings with him and presented him with the legal papers to intiate legal separation and eventually our divorce proceedings, he has now burrowed his feet in the ground and refuses to sign anything. He refuses to get a divorce. He refuses to grant me full custody. He refuses to LEAVE. He refuses to even discuss any of this stuff with me and tore up the papers to shreds, twice. He accuses me of picking at him, harrassing him, repeatedly bringing up the past. Hes surprised me with a brand new car instead, handed me the floor plans for “our new house”. I have been completely showered with gifts and money and sweets. He calls and texts me, plays UNO and board games with me, asks what movie we are watching every evening he comes home. I like attention and affection, gifts and money, BUT, I like a loyal husband and friend better. How long will this last this time before he finds his next unsuspecting victim? Thats how this marriage goes. He is untrustworthy and inconsistent. He is a manipulative liar and con-artist. I feel those mistresses truly deserve him. They have more in common with him than I ever have.
Im upset he refuses to leave in peace. I havent slept well in months. Ive found 3 gray hairs and my hair is thinning. The stress is wearing me down. I was under the impression he wanted to be a “free man” and enjoy his life without us family folks “ruining” it for him. I was convinced he didnt want me. Im really surprised hes not willing to sign these papers and leave. I thought it would be easy, as easy as it is for him toss me away and jump in the bed with other women. Looks like Im in for the fight of my life. Y’all pray for me.
I will pray for you that is a lot.
Pretty interesting article, however, have you tried to understand the psych in what drives this behavior? Sure, cheating is wrong… but there is more to it than just cheating. What if it was purely emotional and non sexual? What if? what if?
Looking at it with a isolated perspective is not doing any justice to anyone. Its like whitewashing a group. Men and Women cheat. Period.
I did however though id see more insight to what drives these behaviors. Lack of communication expectations, childhood influences etc…
The same applies to the partner who stayed to make it work, and the new partner who now has a better 2nd marriage than the 1st (yes this happens more than people would lend credit to).
The point out of all of this…. it starts with self. Divorce is an outcome of a something. Everything i have been reading is bout the outcomes, and very little of the inputs/influences. Until this is understood, allot of heartache can be avoided if this was understood.
The goal should be to help others understand, maybe the reader may be faced with the same issue (doesn’t matter male or female, cheater or cheated), and they are able to identify as someone who needs help before there is destruction.
*possibly a future article relating to the above?
I was researching on an unrelated topic and found this site where I wanted to hopefully help out from a Christian man’s perspective. There are very interesting comments by readers and Sophia’s comment are great! A few short comments: Women are far superior to men in many, many areas such as emotional perceptions that makes women better at care giving, nurturing and understanding needs. Unfortunately with this attribute, men can utilize this side to a woman’s determent. Unfortunately, some woman start to trust their emotions, rather than logic, that an affair can’t be wrong since there is perceived love, which sex is often a conduit to this illusion. This is the second mistake after starting an affair. Some of the readers are telling their story and trying to explain or exonerate their actions as permissible under the circumstances where there is somehow a logical reason on why men have an affair. Ladies need to understand that it is impossible to understand 100% fully the man’s phycological thoughts other than it is debase carnality when having an affair. At the very point of a situation, that requires deception and clandestine rendezvous, then it should be a red flag to the Christian Woman.
I think affairs are complicated to understand until you have been in that situation. I don’t believe once a cheater always a cheater nor do I believe all situations will damn you to hell. Sometimes things happen when you weren’t asking or looking for it. While it is wrong the heart falls in love with who it wants to fall in love with. It is not always about sex. Friendships grow into unexpected love. Yes, it is possible to fall in love with the other woman. Until you walk in someone else’s shoes don’t pass judgement. It’s not always easy to walk away from love no matter who it’s with.
No one is passing judgment and no one said anyone was going to hell. But being with a married person is wrong and just like the Bible says one of the fruits of the spirit is self-control. Just because you have feelings for a married person does not mean you have to act on them and understand that if you do then you are choosing to enter an affair. That is a choice because you can always choose to say no. And I do believe everyone reaps what they sow so if you choose to do wrong (in any situation) then you are just inviting the same wrong on you. And more than anything as women we have to stop letting men have their cake and eat it too and hurting other women by breaking up households by being with their husbands. The man is getting two women, the wife is getting her hurt broken. How is any of that right.
It is amusing that nearly everything you read about mistresses they have limited time, no holidays and no real life events. They are also assumed the mistress knows she is not the only woman in the mans life. All of this is not true. I was a mistress for many years and had no clue I wasn’t the only woman in his life. He came straight to me after work and only left to go to sleep, this included holidays. Weekends were also spent with me and my child. We did fun things of course however, we also repairs the house, cars, shopped, cooked, cleaned, went to children’s events. Hospital trips, taking care of each other when sick or injured. Everything was real life and real struggles when they arose. So yes there was fun involved, but I was married prior for almost 20 years and I did more physical labor and not so fun things with this man than with my husband. I was no hidden from the public, we would walk hand and hand through the stores, malls, you name it. You cannot say it’s all about fantasy and sex, some build real relationships and develop real love. Especially when the man spends more time with his mistress than he does his wife or girlfriend. Sometimes men or woman do not stay or go where there heart belongs, people have financial reasons as well as child’s well being to consider. Some will suffer being unhappy to do what they believe is morally their obligation. So assuming someone stays because they love their spouse is false. They can and do 100% fall in love with someone else. Maybe those that are part time and purely sexual or just fantasy no, but it doesn’t always work that way. Not all other woman are dirty little secrets.
Interesting comment, I guess for me I just believe in self-control and honoring one’s commitment that they made when they got married and if they don’t want to do that then get a divorce. To me, that is what real men and adults do. And more than anything I cannot support a woman tearing up another woman’s family. I think we women compete with each other far too much. And overall to just not consider the family and the wife involved in my opinion is very selfish. But thanks for your comment. Everyone has the right to do with their own life with what they want and live in their own truth. And if you are happy then your own standards is the only thing you have to judge yourself by.
I am in an affair with a married man and I DO NOT WANT HIM TO LEAVE HIS WIFE OR FAMILY.
I enjoy not having all the daily grinds, enjoy having my freedom to date others and see him.
I need him to stay happy and that means staying at home. I enjoy my time with him but he is not my life. I travel, have friends and family, enjoy being with myself and just living life.
Wake up wives- not every mistress wants your husband to leave you!! We don’t want to hear about or talk about you. In fact, I forbid any discussion of his family as that is not my concern.I certainly don’t want him to leave his home. We enjoy them, have fun, have great sexual experiences and send him to you for the daily grudgery of life while I live the happy, carefree life I want. I don’t want marriage, I don’t want to live with someone and I don’t need to see a man all the damn time. So see, I want him home with you.
It is just about the sex, the lust and the fun. If he said move in together or get married I am dumping him. I do not want that daily headache. You keep him for those things.
SO WIVES KNOW THAT NOT EVERY MISTRESS WANTS YOUR MAN!!! Like I am his plaything, he is mine and I plan to enjoy every minute..
I don’t think the wife’s concern is that every mistress wants her husband I think her concern is that she does not want to share her husband with another woman. And she shouldn’t have to.
I was the wife. He won’t leave unless the wife files for divorce. I did file after 34 years of marriage. He still did not marry the mistress of 6 years, secure woman do not sleep with another woman’s husband.
Well said