Whenever I think of the life of Tamar daughter of David, I find her situation both sad and something most women can relate to. I was never raped by my brother or raped at all for that matter, but I think there is a bigger lesson to be learned by her situation.
Tamar Daughter of David. Love and Lust Lessons
The main lesson to be learned from Tamar is that we must never confuse love with lust, and that men wanting you only for your body is a concept that is as old as time. Of course it was not Tamar’s fault that she was raped, I am not saying that. But this whole lustful passion her brother had for her; only to use her and spit her out is not uncommon. Even now.
If you are not familiar with the account of Tamar daughter of David, let me give you a brief overview. David had a few wives and Tamar was one of David’s daughters. Amnon was Tamar’s half brother from another wife. Amnon grew an infatuation with Tamar which in turned into lust. You can also read my blog on love, lust, and infatuation.
Amnon knew that he could not have sex with his sister Tamar and so he came up with plan to get what he wanted from her. One day during dinner Amnon told his father, David, that he was too sick to come down and the only thing that could make him feel better was for his sister, Tamar, to come up and feed him. David sent Tamar to his Amnon’s room and then he raped her.
“Then suddenly Amnon’s love turned to hate, and he hated her even more than he had loved her. ‘Get out of here!’ he snarled at her. ‘No, no!’ Tamar cried. ‘Sending me away now is worse than what you’ve already done to me.’ But Amnon wouldn’t listen to her. He shouted for his servant and demanded, ‘Throw this woman out, and lock the door behind her!’ So the servant put her out and locked the door behind her.” 3 Samuel 13:16-18
After the rape, Tamar, begged for her brother to marry her. Even though she had been raped and due to no fault of her own, she was now considered spoiled and could not get married to anyone due to her no longer being a virgin. After Amnon had his way with her and his lust subsided, he basically threw her out of his room like common trash and Tamar is not mentioned again the Bible; she more than likely lived out her life in isolation and shame.
“ So Tamar lived as a desolate woman in her brother Absalom’s house.” 3 Samuel 13:20
How many of you can relate to Tamar daughter of David?
The reason why I have to say Tamar daughter of David because she was literally a princess. A daughter of a king. When people saw her they knew that she was royalty. She dressed like royalty and but once she was raped her royal position was defiled and she was no longer seen as a princess. As a princess, Tamar could have had any pick of men but because of Amnon who decided to use her, that was all taken from her.
“Now she had on a long-sleeved garment; for in this manner the virgin daughters of the king dressed themselves in robes. Then his attendant took her out and locked the door behind her. Tamar put ashes on her head and tore her long-sleeved garment which was on her; and she put her hand on her head and went away, crying aloud as she went.” 2 Samuel 13:19-20
So now I am about to speak something real to you women and I want you to be in a place to really absorb what I am saying. The main lesson that we can get from Tamar daughter of David is not about her being raped. So take that aspect out of it so you really hear me. I am not saying that Tamar being raped is her fault.
But her we have Tamar daughter of David and a princess in her own right. Kind of like all you woman out there are royalty in your own right. Being daughter of God who is a king, does not make you a princess? Here you are adorned in your jewels and you are allowing men to strip off your royal robes and do with you what they want in the act of lust.
I am sure most women have had a man be so infatuated with you, making you think that he loves you, and as soon as he gets what he wants from you he throws you away. (This was also the case with the Samaritan Women click here to read my blog on her). Leaving you to pick up the pieces on your own.
Once his lustful attraction ends you are left feeling lied to and used. And just like Amnon he goes about his business living his life and moving on to the next woman while you are stuck like Tamar feeling defiled. Your royal robes stripped off because a man took something from you.
Fortunately for you we are not in the days of Tamar and you do not have to go and live in obscurity. But you must also not allow for men to get doing the same thing to you again and again and again.
Using you, abusing you, and then tossing you away while they go about their business. Realize your position. You are royalty and you are a daughter of the highest king there is. So why allow for men to use you to feed their lustful desires and then toss you our when they are done.
Tamar Daughter of David. A Lesson in Love and Lust. Lesson #1
Guard your heart (click here to read a blog on that). It is better to get to know the man you are dating and not give in too soon, so you can see what he wants. To see if he really wants you or if he just wants to have sex with you.
I can recall I met a man and he kept texting me thinking this was a “real conversation.” He sent me a picture with him doing something weird and disgusting with his tongue to show me how much he wanted to get to know me. Not only was it gross BUT it also showed me what he was really about. And from there, I did not respond. This is a clear indication of a man who just wants to use your for sex. There are ALWAYS red flags that a man does not want you but it just lusting after you. As a women do not think that it is flattering that he finds you so attractive and all he wants to talk about is sex. This is a trap like Amnon set up Tamar, do not fall for it.
Tamar Daughter of David. A Lesson in Love and Lust. Lesson #2
Just like Tamar was a princess Amnon was a prince, but just because they are royalty does not mean they are good for you. We are all children of God, but what makes the difference is when one child recognizes their royal position and acts like royalty and the other is bent on forgetting their royal position and acting like a heathen (hence Amnon). Never think for one minute that because a man has a good job, a nice place to live, and gives the appearance of a good man that they are a good man. You will know a good man by the fruits and not what they pretend to be. Click to read my blog on how to judge people based off their fruit.
Tamar Daughter of David. A Lesson in Love and Lust. Lesson #3
It is also important that we do not put ourselves in situations in which men can take advantage of us. I am not saying that it was Tamar fault that she was raped. Take away the rape aspect of it and think about the conditions in which she was raped. The fact that she went into her brother’s room a alone put her in a bad position. And more than anything the Amnon was planning on having sex with her. That is why going over a man’s house at 2 am after you have had a drunken night at the club is a bad idea. You are setting yourself up for a booty call and he is setting you up to make a fool out of you as well.
Tamar Daughter of David. A Lesson in Love and Lust. Lesson #4
Lust does not equal marriage. In the Bible it says that Amnon loved Tamar but he didn’t. And this is what you hear Tamar say before she was raped.
“‘“No, my brother!” she said to him. “Don’t force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing. 13 What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.” 14 But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.” 2 Samuel 13:13
The fact of the matter is that Amnon never loved Tamar. He did not speak to his father to marry her. Amnon did not care if he disgraced Tamar and he really did not even care if he disgraced himself.
So never think for one second that because a man is lusting after you that it means that he wants to marry you. And do not think for one second that you can win a man over with sex. Sex is sex and it is way different from love and having sex with someone is not the same as wanting to make them your wife.
Men like that, like Amnon, will try to trap you so they can take advantage. And there are always signs that something is not quite right with them. I think if we knew the whole story in the Bible, Tamar may have seen or sensed that something was not right with her half brother. That perhaps he had an attraction for her that extended beyond brotherly love. And the sad thing is that we do not know what really happened to poor Tamar daughter of David.
We just know that she lost her mind and went somewhere to live out the rest of her days. That is what happens when someone takes so much for you that you do not have enough left to give to someone else. Every time a man’s uses you, they are taking something precious. And like Tamar you could be left feeling like you are losing your mind. Learn to look for a man that wants you, not a man who lust after you. Lust is temporary and will have you feeling used and abuse, once his feeling of lust for you had subsided.