Whenever I think of the life of Tamar (in the Bible) I find her situation both sad and something we all can relate to at the same time. I was never raped by my brother, or raped at all for that matter, but I think there is a bigger lesson to be learned by this situation. The main lesson is that we must never confuse love with lust, and that men wanting you only for your body is a concept that is as old as time.
If you are not familiar with the account of Tamar (David’s daughter) let me give you a brief overview. David had a few wives and Tamar was one of David’s daughters. Amnon, Tamar’s half brother from another wife, grew an infatuation with her. Amnon knew that he could not have sex with his sister, Tamar, and so he came up with plan to get what he wanted from her. One day during dinner Amnon told his father, David, that he was too sick to come down and the only thing that could make him feel better was for his sister, Tamar, to come up and feed him. David sent Tamar to his Amnon’s room and then he raped her.
“Then suddenly Amnon’s love turned to hate, and he hated her even more than he had loved her. ‘Get out of here!’ he snarled at her. ‘No, no!’ Tamar cried. ‘Sending me away now is worse than what you’ve already done to me.’ But Amnon wouldn’t listen to her. He shouted for his servant and demanded, ‘Throw this woman out, and lock the door behind her!’ So the servant put her out and locked the door behind her. She was wearing a long, beautiful robe, as was the custom in those days for the king’s virgin daughters. But now Tamar tore her robe and put ashes on her head. And then, with her face in her hands, she went away crying.” 3 Samuel 13:16-18
After the rape, Tamer, begged for her brother to marry her. Even though she had been raped and due to no fault of her own, she was now considered spoiled and could not get married to anyone, due to her no longer being a virgin. After the rape Tamar is not mentioned again the Bible and she more than likely lived out her life in isolation and shame. After Amnon had his way with her and his lust subsided, he basically threw her out of his room like common trash.
“ So Tamar lived as a desolate woman in her brother Absalom’s house.” 3 Samuel 13:20
How many of you can relate to Tamar?
Not in the aspect of being raped, but a man being so infatuated with you, making you think that he loves you, and as soon as he gets what he wants from you he throws you away. Leaving you to pick up the pieces on your own. We wonder why we were the target of his lustful attraction and why we are left feeling lied to and used? Some men are willing to do what they need to do, say what they need to say, to get what they want from you. And as soon as they get you, like Tamar, you are tossed aside and he is moving on to the next unsuspecting victim. And you are left feeling desolate.
This is why women must guard themselves with men. It is better to get to know the man you are dating and not give in too soon, so you can see what he wants. To see if he really wants you or if he just wants to have sex with you. It is also important that we do not put ourselves in situations in which men can take advantage of us. I am not saying that it was Tamar fault that she was raped. But the fact that she went into her brother’s room a alone put her in a bad position. That is why going over a man’s house at 2 am after you have had a drunken night at the club is a bad idea. You are setting yourself up for a booty call, something you would more than likely regret in the morning.
Real men are going to take you out on a date and not a date that consist of coming over his house to cook and feed him food (hence Amnon), and then he has plan to take advantage of you. Real men that are interested are going to be interested in having conversations with you that do not revolve around sex, what you are wearing, or what he can do to you sexually. (See my blog here on what really turn me on as a woman).
If this is where your relationship is going do not pass go or collect $200. You are not going to change his mind. It is better to cut your loses and walk away then to stay in relationship where you are not valued. I can recall I met a man and he kept texting me thinking this was a “real conversation.” He sent me a picture with him doing something weird and disgusting with his tongue. He even had all that white stuff on his tongue. It was so gross. And from there, I did not respond. This is a clear indication of a man who just wants to use your for sex. Men like that, like Amnon, will try to trap you so they can take advantage. And there are always signs that something is not quite right with them. I think if we knew the whole story in the Bible, Tamar may have seen or sensed that something was not right with her half brother. That perhaps he had an attraction for her that extended beyond brotherly love.
Being used and plotted on by a man for his own pleasure, sucks. You feel terrible afterward. But do not live in desolation like Tamar. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Learn from it so that the next time you do not repeat the same mistake. Learn to look for a man that wants you, now a man who lust after you. Lust is temporary and will have you feeling used once the relationship is over.