How To Find Someone That Is Equally Yoked With You.

What is the definition of being equally yoked verses unequally yoked as it pertains to relationships?  I will give you my definition of each and then we can go from there.

Equally yoked- is the formation of a relationship between two people that have similar things to offer each other and balance each other out. 

Unequally yoked- are relationships in which one person is giving more or being more than the other person.  Leaving the relationship unbalanced and those within the relationship are left unhappy.

 An unequally yoked relationship typical stems from someone who does not want to be alone so they settle for anyone. Or  someone who has low self esteem so they get with someone who belittles them even more, making their self esteem issues worst. 

Just minor reasons that I have heard or have even been apart of when I was in an unequally yoked relationship include:

  • He does not like children (and you have children).
  • He is an atheist (and you believe in God).
  • He does not have a job, car, and no motivation to do anything whatsoever, while you are a productive member of society.  

It can still work right?  Wrong!

The key to finding the relationship you want, is not to spend time on relationships that are not going to go any where.  Before you engage with someone, there is always signs that this person is crazy, a stalker, controlling, abusive, or wants to use you for what you have.  The key is to weed out these men before you spend the next 2 years in a relationship that is going to end in a break up AND is going to end with you having some deep rooted issues that developed from being in an unhealthy relationship.

Never get with someone that is unequally yoked with you.

“For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”  2 Corinthians 6:14

This poses a good questions.  What does the darkness have to do with the light? What business does a good women have being with a bad man? Why should a faithful person be with a cheater?  Why should someone who works hard be with a lazy person?

It makes no sense!

I can recall when I dated someone who was Muslim.  He was a nice person, but I knew it would not work.  We both wanted something that was completely different from a marriage if were were to make it that far.  His expectation for his future wife was for his wife to be in full Muslim dress, to cover her head, and to stop eating pork.  You know how much I like doing things with my hair, so covering it public was not something I was willing to do.  I think he felt he could change me, but once we went on a date and ordered bacon and ate it right in front of his face, I think he got the picture. I was not willing to give up pork.  Nor was I willing to go to the Mosque, give up Christmas, fast for Ramadan, or pray toward Mecca four times a day.  That was not who I was, nor is it someone that I wanted to become.  His best bet would be to find someone that would be open and willing to do those things with him.  I was not, therefore I was not meant to be his wife.

You have to think do you have the same morals, values, and do you want the same things?

 I knew a woman who married a man and he wanted her to go out and sleep with other men, while he watched.  The man had alot of money.  She was not into this lifestyle but did it anyway because she wanted to keep her husband.  That is the dangers of being with someone that is not equally yoked with you, they can suck you into doing something that you feel is morally wrong.
 The last thing you want to be is a wife that is getting passed around and pimped out by your husband.

The same can be said for wanting children. It amazes me, how many people get married and then want to talk about if they want children or not.  This is something that should have been discussed before hand, don’t you think? I cannot tell you people that I have counselled after they were married that they are just no discovering that one of them wanted children and the other doesn’t.  I mean what are you talking about during the dating or courting phase.  The whole point of that is for you to get to know one another and to see if your goals and life align with one another.  

Everyone has flaws (check out my blog here). But if that person has so much baggage that you cannot accept it, then move on.  The longer you stay with someone that is not the one, the longer you are holding off someone that could be the one.

Now, I feel it is only fair to put at a disclaimer.  You need to be reasonable when discovering if someone is equally yoked with you are not.

Being unequally yoked is NOT:

  • He must have less than 1% of body fat on his body because you have less than 1% on your body. 
  • He must talk to his mother everyday because you do.
  • He must he fluent in 5 other languages because you are. 

Let’s  not get crazy.  You are still two different people and you are going to be different.  You need to realize that everyone have imperfections and they are not going to be your clone.  Focus on the things that matter.  A way to re frame the above statements to something that is realistic consist of:

  • Fitness has to be important to him and he must take his health seriously. 
  • He must have family values.
  • He must be open to other cultures or have experiences other cultures. 

And even in the above instance I would not consider them deal breakers.  Deal breakers would be:

  • He has no job and never wants to get a job. 
  • He does not want children and you have to have children or you already have children. 
  • He is apart of the Klu Klux Klan and your black. 
 These are things that are BIG deals.  That you cannot work your way around.  In closing, I cannot tell you how essential being unequally yoked its.  It will help you weed out the men that are not for you and spend more time in relationships that will more than likely end in something more serious.  Always maintain a level head when dating and never get so head over heels that you overlook important things about his personality that does not go with yours.
About Sophia Reed (313 Articles)
I am a single mother of one, Christian, and Lover of Life. I have a Master's degree in marriage and family therapy, I am a National Certified Counselor, and I am currently a PhD candidate in Human Behavior. I love motivating others and encouraging all women to be beautiful from the inside and out. To get in contact with me, you can email me at

2 Comments on How To Find Someone That Is Equally Yoked With You.

  1. gabrielletylerblog // April 28, 2016 at 5:12 pm // Reply

    Thanks for the share! I enjoyed it and I wish people would realize that being equally yoked sets you on the the path to marital success.

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