So last night I was having one my rants with God. This seems to be more and more of a phenomenon. And then it hit me like a brick in the head. I am completely and utterly self-absorbed. God told me so. Normally I would fold and tell God that he was right, repent, and all that good stuff. But this time I didn’t. I looked up and told God
“ I love you, you know I do. But I have given up and sacrificed a whole lot for you. I have done things that I have not want to do, because it was your will; so this time I am not folding. I am going to go on a rant about myself, and you will listen!”
To some people this may seem like a strange way to talk to God. But God created me. He know my personality and he knows how I am. We do not have the right to command God to do anything, but as the lover of my soul I wanted him to listen to the cries of my soul….no exceptions. I did not want to hear about me helping other people in that moment. Or that whole speech about me being content with what I had. I did not want to hear the Biblical speech that I know God was just dying to give me. I wanted to talk about myself and what was bothering me. I wanted to talk about what I wanted for once and not pretend to be mother Teresa, praying for world peace.
I know some of your mouths are dropping telling me I am a blasphemer. But I learned a long time ago to drop the “holier than thou” vision of God. God is our friend, out father, no need to fake the funk. No need to pretend that I want to talk about everyone else when what I really want to do is talk about me.
I think that anyone who sets out to please God has these moments. There are times where were do things that we really don’t want to do, but we do them because that is what God wants us to do. There are times where we pray for deliverance from a situation, but God does not deliver us because he wants to teach us some life lesson to enrich our character.
But there also comes a time where I simply do not want to hear about all of that. I want to talk about myself, I want to talk about my dreams and aspirations. I do not want to endure any more test, trails, and tribulations. I do not want to hear about Job from the Bible, how he suffered, and God paid him double his trouble. I am not Job, I am me.
Maybe I am the only one that is going to be honest. But I know that we have those moments where were tell God “What about me, what about what I want!”
That is when God told me “When you want something so much that you feel you cannot live without it, then that is a problem”
I could hear what God was saying. I have heard it so many times before. But then I complained once more asking God, why I had to give up all that I wanted just to prove something to him. I do not want to have to give up my dreams, aspiration, all to prove that I love God more. I do love God more, but why do I have to always be the one to concede?
Needless to say this conversation with God did not go anywhere. He spouted the typical, you should be grateful, content, be thankful in all your accomplishments. You know how God is, always so positive. Trying his best to make you positive, even though you don’t want to be.
I would love to sit and tell you that you need to have a “heal the world” mentality. In all actuality you probably should. But there are some times when I just want to focus on me and what I want. And I come to realize that, this is okay. It does not make God love me less, it may annoy him, but it does not make me a selfish person. It just makes me honest. I care about me, my direction in life, and I go in crazed rants with God to remind him that I am still here. I do not think God gets mad. He just sees me like a little girl acting out and doing things for attention. Trying to get the attention of her father.
In closing, it is wrong to be completely self-absorbed an oblivious to the world around you. BUT, if you have those season where you need to focus on yourself and shut the world out of your space then that is okay too. I have learned that there is a such thing as given so much to others that you literally have nothing to give to yourself. I have been there. So when you pray, after you pray for world peace, don’t forget to pray for yourself.