Over a year ago my three month old cousin died. Since my family is so small, we are all very close, so everything that he went through was very hard to watch and when he passed it was very painful for us all.
Just to give a brief background he had many complication during birth that he was not able to recover from. He also suffered from a rare genetic disorder that only 25 people in the world had none living past the age of 1. He spent the first two weeks in a coma before he was able to wake up. There are some things that I am thankful in his situation. I am thankful that he was able to wake up and open his eyes. The doctors thought he would never wake up and they urged us to cut off life support every day. I am thankful for the three months we (our family) were able to spend with him, the doctors thought that he would not even last past the first day.
But with this situation, it was something that I was mad at God the most for. Our family believed, we prayed, we did everything that we could so that God would do a miracle, but it never happened. Or at least on the surface it never happend. We did not get the miracle that we wanted to have him fully healed and restored. Throughout his life we got saw small miracles. Due to my cousin and her husband being in the military, the military was understanding and they speak every day with him and did not have to go to work. He came out of a coma even though they said he wouldn’t. So we saw that God was still in control and that doctors do not know everything.
It was hard to see how hardened doctors can be toward a child. It was hard to see how they poked and prodded him like he did not have any feelings. The way they treated him, like he was just a thing and not a child.
I would go and see him every week, I would read the Bible to him, sing to him, and show him my shinny jewelry. There were times that his eyes would get wide and look at the things I was showing him. Even though he had breathing tubes, he could not cry, he would look at me with some level of understanding.
If anything I wish I would have had closure. I wish there was a time where I could speak to him and he could speak to me and I could just tell him that it was okay. I would tell him that the world was not made up of people that wanted to hurt him and stick him with needles all the time. People who saw him as a person and not some science project to do experimental treatments on. I would want to explain to him how much his family loved him, the life we planned for him, and wanted him to come home. I would want him to know that.
In the three months that he was in the world it was filled with pain. You could see it in his face. It hurt me to think in his little mind, he probably thought the world was a confusing and hurtful place because pain is all he had experienced.
Now that I know he is in heaven, I am sure in heaven people have a better understanding of what happened to them here on Earth. Sometimes I sit and wonder what he thinks of us and what happened. I sit and wonder if he knows how much we loved him and if he remembers all the times our family sung to him, prayed for him, read to him, and love him.
I think now more than anything, I would want to take a trip to heaven and speak to him. I would want to hug him and have the opportunity to share the love with him. Even if it was just for a moment more than anything I want to see that he is okay.
Heaven is so hard and easy to think of. It is easy because I know that as a baby that is where he is. It is hard, because I cannot see him, feel him, or talk to him. So I am really relaying on faith in God and what the Bible teaches us about heaven to know that he is there and that he is happy, even though I cannot see it.
I have to trust that in heaven lies all eternity and that life is only millisecond of our lives compared to the eternity we have in heaven. I have to trust that I will be able to see him in heaven (provided that I get there) and in this time I will be able to share all the love that I have for him that I was not able to share with him while he was here. That we would do things with him that I could not do here on Earth, and that we will have forever to do them.
I cannot imagine anyone who has ever lost a child. I cannot imagine the pain parents must feel. What I can do is try to offer you encouragement. It is my belief that all children go to heaven. No matter what. I feel that this is all the more reason to get closer to God because you need to get to heaven too. To see them again.
Although we miss them, if we believe in heaven, then we know that they are in utter and sheer perfection. I know my little cousin is happy. I know he knows how much we loved him and the life we wanted for him. I know that he is waiting to see us again to tell us and show us how much he loves us as well. With each day that passes it gets easier. I know I cannot change the past. When I pray to God, I asked God to give me peace and to give him a message for me. So while I do not have the closure that I seek, I know that he knows all of things that I have mentioned, and in a large way, I take comfort in that.