What I thought was my biggest strength was really my biggest weakness. I have trust issues. I do not trust anyone because I do not want to appear vulnerable. I do not trust anyone, to the point that I think it can air on the side of paranoia.
Whenever we have an issue of trust, jealousy, or any type of negative emotion we must reflect on where it comes from. Because it stems from somewhere. As for me, it has always been the people I cared that ended up hurting me the most. I have had friends and been in relationships with people that I poured my heart out to, only to have them use my emotion to their advantage. Even strangers, co-workers, or people that I had done nothing too, have wanted to come against me. And that is where my genuine mistrust of people comes from. Overtime, I learned to not let anyone in because if I do not let them in they cannot hurt me. This lead to me to be a very isolated creature and even worse me being very content in my isolation.
If I had to ask someone for help, it would make me angry because I feel that this gives me the appearance of being weak. I would rather struggle, be cold, and hungry before asking someone for a blanket and food. I want to be the one that has it all together, I do not want to be the one that is in need. These thoughts stemmed from the few people that I did chose to trust. When they did me wrong it conditioned me not to trust again.
As I have grown as a person and grown in my spiritual walk, I understand now that it is not just the people that abuse your trust. Often time there is something in them, that causes them to be the way that they are.
“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” Ephesians 6:12
When people come against us, I am convinced it is not them coming against you personally. It is the darkness in them recognizing the light in you. This is the case with jealousy. People get jealous of you because you have something they do not have. It may not mean that they are a bad person per se, what it means is that they have so much jealousy in them, and that it consumes them as a person and makes them act out their insecurities on other people. Often times they do not even know why nor are they even aware of it.
Other people acting out against you can cause you to develop some deep rooted insecurities because of their insecurities. Like me and my trust issues. My mistrust issues developed into something deeper. I started to feel that I feel that I was the only person that I could trust, because I know that I will not let me down.
But that mentality heightened my insecurities and separated me from people… ALL people. Even the ones that wanted to help me. Through my misguided attempt to be strong and not lean on anyone, I have put this same mentality on other people and on God. It got to a point that I did not want to pray and ask for anything, because if I did not get it, then I felt that God has let me down. Which would lead me to seeing God like everyone else that has let me down. I have put a human characteristic on God which has separated me from Him. I am basically telling God that I do not need Him because I can do everything myself. I did not intentionally mean for it to be this way, but this is where distrust can get you. While I thought I was doing God a favor by doing things on my own, I was actually separating myself from Him by taking things in my own hands and not consulting with God first. And all this stemmed from having trust issues with people! It spilled over into my spiritual life and turned into something else.
How many people can relate?
Have you been hurt, abandoned, or abused by the ways of this world? That you rather go about things on your own and struggle over asking for help? Because you do not want to give the other person the opportunity shut you down?
‘”It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”’ Genesis 2:18
I am sure that even in the midst of perfection of the Garden of Eden, all the animals, and the ability to walk and talk with God, that Adam was still missing something. As he walked around the garden looking all depressed God clearly saw that something was missing. And so He created Eve. You see this passage says more than the companionship between man and woman. But that no one should be alone, and even in that perfection of Eden God saw Adam was missing a companion. And that it was not good for Adam to go about his everyday life without someone to lean on.
Too much isolation or distrust can drive you away from people. The inability to ask for help can drive you away from God. Sometimes it is not being weak to open up and tell someone that you cannot go about this thing called life alone. You may want to consider opening up your heart. It is okay to ask for help and it is okay to trust again, not matter what has happened to you. Leaning on another person is not weakness it’s called being human.