Growing up, I was something that they call a military brat. My mother was in the military and we moved around every 2 or 3 years. I loved my childhood. But at the same time because of the way in which my childhood was structured it helped grow me into the person I am today. Many children stay in the same town from the time they are in kindergarten until they graduate from high school. Formulating these deep friendships and bonds that last a life time with those they grew up with. But that was not me. I had friends, I was moderately popular, I was still a little weird, and sometimes an outsider among my friends. But I had to make friend every where we went. A new duty station meant I needed to start over.
On my 14th birthday while I was living in Belgium, women at church gave me a journal and told me that I could write down all my prayers in it. And so I maintained a dairy from the age of 14-19. I did exactly what the women wanted me to do. It was in that journal that I began to talk to God. Like a friend. I wrote everything that I thought, felt, good or bad. It was not some holier than though ritualistic writing to the God almighty above. They were real thoughts, and it was through this process that I God began to talk back.
In high school, my friends in were having sex, really into boys, and doing things that I was very afraid to do. I just was not that extroverted. Because I could not relate to them on that level and tell them what I really thought of how they were….. I wrote. And for your entertainment pleasure I saved all of my diaries.
My Poem At age 15.
This is coming from a friend, I must let you know.
That Girlfriend You are a Hoe.
The reason why boys want to tap that a**.
Is because you do not want the relationship to last.
They will dis you in public, and think nothing of it.
And they have you thinking you are all that, when you are just a used up piece of trash.
You give it up too soon.
Then they turn, laugh, and call you a fool.
So what you think they’ll leave their girlfriend for you?
You are just a little tramp they will run to and use.
No one likes you and talks behind your back.
And you best believe it girl, that is a fact.
And just because they act like they want you now,
You wait to other people come around.
Now you suck his d*** and let him work it all night.
But other people are calling you a hoe, and you know what? They are right.
It amazes me how much sense my 15 years old self had. Yeah my writing could be a little vulgar. And I do not encourage anyone to curse at God. But it was my way of expressing myself and what I thought of the world that was going on around me. It was not popular for me to think this way. I should have been into boys, wanting attention from them, but it was not me. God did not make me that way. And the knowledge that I got from God on the way a female should act was written all in this poem. And my words were just a way of expressing how I felt.
It seemed like my 15 years old self had more sense than my young 20 year old self. Because somewhere along the lines I would start to date men that were not good for me and get into bad relationships. It would seem as if my 15 years old self would need to come back and talk to my young 20 something years old self and not the other way around. But like all women at some time or another, common sense fades, and we want to go toward the world view. Because there was a period of time when I was just reckless in relationships and reckless with men in general. All because I thought it was love, when really it was just dysfunction disguising around as what I thought love should be.
And then I come across another poem that I wrote when I was 16. It gives an idea that I am the same type of person, even 14 years later. So determined to finished. Feeling that I was behind the race when in fact I wasn’t, and beating myself up over the fact that I was not perfect.
Poem Age 16
I am so confused and isolated inside.
I feel so lost and it is hard to say why.
I am in a not in a strange place driving, but it still feels like I’m striving
To get where I want to go.
But sometimes it seems like I am moving too slow.
I am trapped and 4 walls are closing in on me.
I feel I have no friends and all of them are my enemies.
Their pulling me in all directions, and I hear their words of rejections.
That is leading down the wrong road, but I keep strong and stay bold.
There is one thing that I do know, I am going everywhere, but where I want to go.
When reading this I was a very intense teenager. I cannot help but to laugh at the theatrics as well as the similarities to myself now. I still feel like I am going slow sometimes. I still feel like I am not moving toward my destination fast enough, but when I look back on all the things that I have accomplished in my 32 years of living, I have to remind myself that it is not true (see blog here).
If I could tell my younger self anything, I would say that it is okay. I am going to be okay. I would tell myself not to be afraid to be weird, stand out, or not to get upset because I do not conform to others peoples’s idea of how I am supposed to act. I would tell myself that not all people who pretend to be your friend’s are your friends (see blog here) and that this pattern is something that all people do even adults. I would tell my younger self that some men are dogs and just want to take advantage of you. And that when a man says that he loves you, their actions should match up to what they are saying. I would instill in my head that God created me for a reason. God does not make mistakes and I am and look exactly the way I am suppose to. I would tell myself to deal with it and accept it. If I had known that, I would have saved myself a lot of internal struggle and my need for validation from men in the late teens and early 20’s.
I would say.
Who cares that your mind works different and other people do not understand you? Who cares if you have dreams to go above and beyond what anyone can imagine? It’s okay. Be you, and shine bright like stars were meant to do. I learned this lesson as an adult, and it seemed that once I did, I was okay with being me.