To listen to the blog post “What To Do When Father chooses girlfriend over the child” over reading it then click the play button below.
In this post, I am going to tell you what to do when your child’s father chooses the girlfriend over the child. The reason that I am so well versed in this topic is that it has happened in my own situation. I cannot think of ONE time where his father did not choose a woman over him. So I get it, it is frustrating to deal with. Also, check out my video below on how to get over your baby daddy and click here to subscribe to my channel.
BUT as frustrating as it is I certainly do not want you single moms out there to fall apart or to get so angry and/or frustrated that you say or do something that is going to make you look like a fool. But I do get it.
Because as a mom who would do anything for your child you don’t understand why a man chooses other people over their own flesh and blood, how can he be such a deadbeat dad, and how can he not see what pain it is causing the child. I do not know what makes fathers choose their girlfriend over their own child so I cannot give you an insight into why they do it. What I can tell you is what to do and how to do deal with it. Also, check out my 9 step plan to moving past your child’s father audio for more help in this situation, click here to check it out.
This post is going to be separated into three parts
- First, how to deal with your child’s father not seeing the child.
- Second, how you can deal with your child’s father
- Third, how you can deal with the girlfriend.
Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ How To Deal When The Father Stops Spending Time With The Child
1. When Father Chooses Girlfriend Over Child ~ Communicate the issues
I wish I can tell you that when you communicate the issue that the things may change. That your child’s father will say “yeah I understand” and turn around his behavior. It is possible, BUT it is also possible that he is going to get pissed off with you and accuse you of being jealous or something crazy. Regardless of all of that you still have to communicate the issue.
No one is a mind reader and at the very least allows him to try to fix the situation on his own once you tell him that there is a problem. To do this, always remember to practice assertive communication. Say what you mean, what you see the issue is, and what you want him to do better. And give him a chance to correct it.
2. Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ Scheduled Visitation
Part of the problem with your child’s father choosing the girlfriend over his child is that he probably spends little to no time with your child because he is probably out and about spending all his time with his girlfriend. To alleviate any confusion, you can come up with a schedule.
That way, your child knows when the father is supposed to visit, you know when he is supposed to visit, and the father knows when he is supposed to visit. No one should be confused here. And since he knows when he is supposed to see the child, everyone can shift their schedule in advance. Therefore, there should not be any excuses for how he forgot to see the child or that he does not time.
And really, if your situation is like my situation, then it is possible for him to not adhere to a schedule and come up with all these excuses as to why he is not seeing the child. But remember, you can still try to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to work with them. You cannot control if they are not willing to work with you.
3. Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ Get the Court-Involved
No one has time to go back and forth with your child’s father. After all, you are doing the right thing as a single mom while he is out with his girlfriend doing nothing. It can be a lot more frustrating to get the court involved, but once they are involved it can also be more carefree.
Meaning that the court sets visitation and they set who has to do what and when. Which means you do not have to. Even with these tips understand that the father still may not see or be there for your child like he is supposed to. All you can do, is do your part, and either he is going to step up to the plate or he isn’t. And if he doesn’t then that is his problem NOT YOURS.
Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ How to deal with the father
4. Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ Choose not to care
I also want you to read my blog on how to deal with your child’s father moving on. But really you have to choose not to care. After you have communicated the issue and done all that you can do, then you just have to not care about what they do. Take it from me, my son’s father had disappeared from my son’s life for YEARS and YEARS on end. With no communication whatsoever.
And you just have to choose not to care, get on with your life, do what you need to do as a mother, and do not go into these long conversations with your child about the other woman or his father’s shortcomings. All you have to do is live your life and do the best thing you can do for you and your child, and pretend that neither of them (your child’s father and his girlfriend) exist in your world. Your child will see the situation for what it is and their father for what it is in due time. Also, check out my video down below which is the same advice I gave a single mom when she was abandoned by her child’s father.
5. Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ Do What Is Best for Your Child and Don’t Feel Bad
Often times when your child’s father is involved with another woman he may try to get you to do things that are against your better judgment as a parent. For example, after my son’s father was not in his life for four years, he called me up and asked could my son start spending the weekends with him and his new girlfriend. And of course, I said no. And I think you can guess why me sending my son with his father that he had not seen in 4 years and a woman who I have never met a day in my life is not a good idea.
From there, I was seen as being none helpful and keeping my son away from his father. And guess what? I chose not to care. I did not give in because at the end of the day I am doing what I feel is best for my son. And I will not let anyone make me feel bad about it. There are times where your child’s father may want to introduce his girlfriend pre-maturely or try to make you feel like the bad guy because you won’t allow your child to do xy and z with his new girlfriend. But your obligation is to your child and not to him and his new woman. As long as you are doing the right as a mom who cares about what they think.
Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ How To Deal With Her
6. Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ Do Not Engage and Do No Throw Insults
I do not want to hear that any of you arguing with the other woman, start insulting her, and getting into physical altercations with anyone. You are someone’s mother for God’s sake! Do not make things messier by coming for her. I do not care if she came for you first and called you names. Maintain some class about yourself and about the situation and do not engage. And as soon as it starts to turn messy, then disengage and do not get messy in return.
7. Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ Remember You Had A Child With Him And Not Her
There are many women that feel that because she is with your child’s father that it gives her the right to be all up and in your business. It does not. You do not have to go through her to schedule visitation and you two do not have to bond together. You had a child with him and not her and however much you want her to be involved or not be involved you control that situation.
There are some mothers who want to be involved with the girlfriend, be friends, and meet each other. Then there are other ones like me who don’t. Really it is up to do what you think is best. But do not get so caught up in the girlfriend and wanting to be the mix of what is going with them that you forget that the whole point is about the child.
The last warning I want to give you is that you have to have peace of mind about the situation. So my final tip to you is to
8. Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ Disengage
Remember at any given moment you have a right to be in peace and disengage from the foolishness. If your child’s father is turning into too much to deal with, she is turning into too much to deal with, or the situation is just frustrating to you. Then choose to disengage.
If he chooses to see your child, then have him pick the child up from your mother’s or your friend’s home. You do not have to talk to or be in any situation that you do not want to be in. These are my tips for fathers who choose their girlfriends over their children. Although we may never understand it, it is not for us to understand. They have to live with their consequences, not us. And remember, even as a mother I do not support women putting men over their children (see my blog here).
If you know a fellow single mom that needs to read this post, then feel free to share it with her.
Also, did you know that I have a single mom’s devotional? Click here to buy it. Or if you want the first few chapters for free. Just click here or the picture below and it is yours.
My kids father has been dating a 19 year old and he is 30. Lately he has introduced my children to her without asking or telling me and they have only been dating 3 months. I’m absolutely seething this is completely disrespectful.
Yeah that is disrespectful, I would have a conversation about it. And if that does not work I am all about having a mediation agreement about when to introduce partners to children. The most important thing is not expose your child to random women that their father chooses to date just because. You do not want them to think that is normally for a man to have a revolving door of women. I know I wouldn’t.
Me and my husband split up a year ago as I found out he was going with a 18. Year old, my husband is 39. We have a 21 year old son, 18 year girl and a 9 year old girl, over the past year he has been on his holidays with his girlfriend and been away for new year amongst other stuff, he hasn’t tried to rebuild any relationship back up with the older two children he has been having the 9 year old like one day a week but she comes home sometimes up set as he on the phone all the time to his girlfriend while she is there, his girlfriend is texting me and Christmas Day because the have had a argument telling he be lying to me about stuff, it’s just one thing after another and then this week I found out he hasn’t be isolating himself because of the covid 19 he has been meeting his girlfriend and then having our daughter so when I found out I said that’s it know more if you can’t do the right thing for your daughters health then she will have to stay home, I then got abusive text of his girlfriend saying stop using your child as a weapon. I have spoken to our youngest daughter and she is upset that’s he has put her at risk. I have really had enough .
Yeah, it can be a hard situation, but I would ignore the mess out of the girlfriend you do not owe her anything. If you know that you are doing the right thing for your child then that is your business, and even though it is annoying; I really would not pay attention to him or her.
Omg. All of these comments are my current life. I left a narcissistic sociopath 2 years ago, he begged for me back. I stayed strong. He finally signed 3 months ago, & now has a 22 year old girlfriend, he’s 36…& has had her around our 4 year old. Acting as a stand in mother as if he is building a new home. Let her take our daughter to the bathroom, has convinced our child that she is a real super hero so it’s all I hear.
He has told mutual friends that he’s only doing this to hurt ME, but he’s hurting me, our child, that poor young girl who is still in college living at home.
I can’t believe this is my life, we co parented well the last year & now I’m getting zero respect & being asked to respect a 22 year old child over my concerns for my child.
Yeah I have been there too. My son’s father said he used to do things to hurt me. But understand you are the mother she can say and do what she wants but don’t let him get to you with his antics. That is what he wants.
Great article but what do I do when my ex says he wants to spend time with our kids yet when he has them only around 6 weeks a year he takes his girlfriend everywhere they go (she also lives with him so is there 24/7). He doesn’t actually spend any quality time with the kids and when they come back they tell me he didn’t spend any time with them and they don’t want her there and all their memories are ruined by her. They go with such high expectations but are always let down. I have told him 3 times and suggested he just asks them if they want her to come to certain places but he doesn’t do this and just does what he wants. I am emotionally drained from hearing their complaints and now fearing their complaints.
I would ask the kids just casually how they feel about it. If they say they don’t have an issue with it just let it be. Because ultimately the relationship with his kids will suffer if he is not paying attention to them. If they say they do mind, they try to encourage them to ask (in a nonjudgemental way) to have more alone time with him. But in the end, you can’t make him nor can the kids. And if he wants to sacrifice this as a father and it is affecting them then it will be his loss in the long run.
I am having a similar situation. My son told his dad he wanted to stay home and he didn’t want to go to his dads girlfriends house. His dad yelled at him and said your going. I told hid dad that he would like to spend time with him at home. He left our son at home and said he would be back and said before he left god dammit I cant keep doing this. I’m not staying here because your mom and I can’t get along. He never came back or called. He and I have been separated for awhile and we got along great until the new girl came into the picture. Now we can’t talk or anything without her being there and wanting to know everything we talk about.
The father of my son doesn’t want to spend time with his son at all. He chose the woman over his child. I let it go for my peace and sanity. They are happy together and proved to the woman that he has no son. He is a bachelor type of guy but he cares for the family of his woman. I don’t understand that he couldn’t care less to his own son. But it’s okay. I cannot force him to choose my child. Now I’m happy with just being my son. I ignore him and raise the boy alone and treat him like he never existed.
my ex has a new girlfriend he has only been with for a week and he moved her in. She got involved in a conversation when i went to say goodnight and brush my sons teeth and she tried telling me to leave and i couldnt see my son. Also, im not comfortable with someone iving under the same roof as my son that he has only known a week. Not to mention i found out that the new girlfriend sleeps in my sons bed with im as well. This is complety unacceptable and lastly my son informed me thaat they kiss, grab each others butts, massage each other in the hot tub all in front of my 6 year old or while hes inside watching tv when he should be bathed, teeth brushed and in bed for school the next day. anything i can do to stop this or set boundaries? i do not want my son exposed to this nor does a third party have say as to when i can and cant see my son. advice please, im trying so hard to hold it together but he needs to just keep the days he doesnt have our son as to when he wants to do adult sexual things and NOT when he is suppose to be caring and spending time with our son.
In all honestly, it is hard to answer your question here, but I would like to do a video on this. If you subscribe to my Youtube channel Dr. Sophia Reed. When I get around to it, I can shoot a video giving you advice. I think the topic can be very helpful to other people.
Hi There!
I feel some relief knowing I am not the only one experiencing these sort of things. Our son is 9 years old and we have court orders in place for custody (legal and physical), support, and visitation. We were never married but we were dating (rocky time since my pregnancy) and living together when we had to break up right around when our son was 2 years old. So we’ve been apart for most of our son’s life.
Fast forward, custody, support, and visitation were decided in court in 2014. Custody and visitation were just updated 2018 to allow the minimum days with non-custodial parent to be met and qualify for joint custody. New arrangement included four weeks during summer break with non-custodial parent.
Moving to present time, I am in a relationship going on 5 years now and our son has bonded with my bf. Took it slow and I went off my son’s pace and gauged the relationship through him. My son’s father is in new relationship and there have been changes made causing our son to have a meltdown over something minor. I immediately went and picked him up after letting his father know he can come home and decompress for a night and return in a better mood. I try to avoid asking our son any questions until we’re face to face. We had a heart to heart. His father’s behavior now he has a new gf has our son sleeping on the couch downstairs, he’s left home in his aunt’s care because they leave to go out and eat without talking to him (no invite. Just sneak out.), he’s realizing he’s being lied to, doesn’t get to see his friends, etc. So I figured that’s the root of it. Then seeing the cat (son is afraid of them) killing a bunny added to that underlying issue and led to him acting out and refusing to do a chore, which started the meltdown.
I allowed our son to let it all out and I’m explained that I was not asking questions to scare or punish him, but to have a better understanding so I can help by communicating with his father. Then his father and me need to work together to figure out how to move forward. I am not taking sides, I’ve tried to explain how he may not understand adult subjects, to remain respectful, and let his father know when something is bothering him. I briefly spoke to his father about how we will need to have a sit down and the adults identify the problems, come to sone sort of agreement, and move forward. Our son is acting out because he feels replaced and doesn’t see his father when he’s there. His father then told different versions of the story.
There’s so much more to it, but too much to type. HELP!